Daddy on food.

Colleague:    "Look at this baked potato.  Does this look like a nice potato?"
Daddy:          "I'll tell you what's nice.  The new saw.  It's a lovely shade of grey."
Colleague:    "I'm glad my lunch reminded you of that."

Daddy comes in from the pub just as the rest of the humans have sat down for tea, so Mummy points at his plate on the worktop and says, "Your dinner's over there, it's still hot."
So Daddy gets a plate out of the cupboard and starts spooning the leftover potato bake onto it.
Mummy:     "What are you doing?"
Daddy:        "Dishing up."
Mummy:     "That's Carly's dinner."
Daddy:        "Blimey she eats better than us."
Mummy:     "How much have you had to drink?  Your dinner is right behind you."

Mummy:     "When I was little I thought all alcohol would taste like wine gums.  Imagine my surprise the first time I tried sherry."
Daddy:        "Ugh.   I'd rather drink a litre of lighter fuel than sherry."
Tom:           "Why a litre?  Nobody offered you a litre of sherry."
Daddy:        "OK.  A gallon then."
Mummy:     "Would you like a pint of pernod?"

"If it's not the booze it's the wine."

"I very rarely drink.   I need to keep my brain in tip top condition for work."

"This kitchen is like Botulism City, Arizona."

Sharing biscuits:  "Would you like to participate in a hobnob?"

Daddy made custard.  He read the instructions on the tin and decided that was far too much sugar so put an eighth of the recommended amount in.  Sponge cake with warm milk on top is not the tastiest thing you will ever try.

Mummy:    "Would you like a cake?"
Daddy:       "Mmm nice and sweaty."
Mummy:    You mean moist?"

Colleague:   "Would you like some couscous?"
Daddy:         "If it's free."

Mummy:    "What are you eating?"
Daddy:       "Soup.  Not beans.  I can't take the ridicule any more."
Mummy:    "Your bum can't take much more either...That's just pureed beans isn't it."
Daddy:       "No it's soup."
Mummy:    "Pureed bean soup."

Today at lunchtime one of Daddy's work colleagues was going to the shop so Daddy asked if he could bring him back a microwaveable curry.  When Matt returned Daddy sat and watched Matt cook his dinner for him and serve it to him at his desk.   Matt also bought himself a curry and some poppadoms.   While Matt's own curry was cooking he left a plate of poppadoms on his desk.  By the time he came back into the office Daddy had eaten half his poppadoms.
Matt:      "You ate my poppadoms you robbing BEEP."
Daddy:   "I thought they were mine."
Matt:      "Did you ask me for poppadoms?"
Daddy:   "Well no, but you did put them on my desk."
Matt:      "THAT'S NOT YOUR DESK.  EVERY DESK IS NOT YOUR DESK!"

Daddy:    "I've eaten too many tomatoes."
Mummy: "They're not tomatoes."
Daddy;    "Grapes."
Mummy: "No."
Daddy:    "Melons.  Tummy ache."
(They were strawberries)

Daddy:      "What are those packet things everybody is eating these days?"
Mummy:   "Cuppa soup?  Have you just been to a supermarket for the first time?"

Mummy:   "How was your muffin?"
Daddy:      "Best I ever had.  Sometimes there's too much muff and not enough in."
Mummy:   "The only man in the world complaining he's got too much muff."
Daddy:      "I like my muffins like I like my lemon drizzle cake.  Moist."
Mummy:   "If that was supposed to be rude you're way off."

Daddy:      "I don't know why I was so ill last night.   Must be something I ate yesterday."
Mummy:   "It wasn't my cooking, the rest of us were fine."
Daddy;      "No, I know.  I felt ill before dinner."
Mummy:   "What did you eat in work?"
Daddy:      "Not a lot.   Two bananas *holds up bag of VERY green bananas*, a few oranges, maybe two or three, a couple of bowls of cereal, two ham rolls, a pasty and some toast.  *picks up yesterdays plate that is still on the floor under his desk*   Oh, now are they mouse droppings or poppy seeds?"
Mummy:    "Well that solves today's mystery."

Daddy:       "Do you want a doughnut?"
Mummy:   "I'd rather have a cake off the cake stall."
Daddy:      "They'll all be full of sugar.  I'd rather have a doughnut."
Mummy:  "Mmmm a nice jammy sugar free doughnut."

"It's like molten lava in pastry...This pasty is structurally unsound."

On seeing Mummy holding a banana skin:
Daddy:    "That's a potential banana skin."
Mummy: "No, it's an actual banana skin."

"Look at me eating a spicy curry.  I must be up the duff."

Daddy:     "Did I see some cheese?  I thought I saw some cheese."
Mummy:  "It's in the sauce."
Daddy:     "I can see it but I can't taste it."
Bryn:        "I can't believe this is Katie's favourite thing that you make."
Mummy:  "Anyone else want to have a go?  Tom?"
Tom:        "Did I see some flavour?  I can see it but I can't taste it."

Tom:        "A whole rack of ribs?  I can't even imagine how big that is."
Daddy:     "It's a piece of string measurement."
Tom:        "Come again?"
Daddy:     "An undefined unit of measurement."

Eating a steak pie:
Daddy:       "I'm choking on a a pastry."
Mummy:    "A pastry?  This isn't a bloody French cafe you know."

"Would you like to participate in a cough sweet?"

Mummy:     "Trust you.  Everyone else just ate their custard tart but you had to fetch a plate and a knife and fork.  Would you like a doily?"
Daddy:        "Nmmmm mmmm nmmmm"
Mummy:     "Swallow your food and start again."
Daddy:        "Gulp.   That's because I'm sophisticated."
Mummy:     "Talking with your mouth full.   The height of sophistication."

Daddy got genuinely annoyed because his strawberry Muller corner didn't match the picture on the lid.  i.e. a photo of an entire strawberry.

"This gravy is weird.   It's like placenta."

"Sprouts are awesome to the max."

Daddy:      "Tannings bad for your teeth."
Mummy:   "Do you mean tannin?"
Daddy:      "Yes tanning, in tea."

Mummy:    "Even Johnny can cook rice."
Daddy:       "Hey, what do you mean?  I'm a great cook."
Mummy:    "Putting things on a baking tray isn't cooking."
Daddy:       "If I can strip a TR6 gear box I'm sure I can cook a meal."

"A skinny latte?  Isn't that just in a long thin cup?"

Daddy:     "I had a Cornish from the motorway services."
Mummy:  "A Cornish?  Ice cream?"
Daddy:     "No a pasty.   It was chicken tikka."
Mummy:  "So you had a chicken tikka pasty.  Not a chicken tikka Cornish.   Cornish is a type of pasty, not another name for pasty."   *rolls eyes....yet again*

Edit:  Daddy calls all pasties Cornishes at all times.  When the butty van comes to work he frequently says "hmm do I want a Cornish?"

"I don't like Crispy Creme.  It's like a f-in German f-in hybrid f-in doughnut type thing."

"Cup of tea?  I think we'll all participate."

Mummy;   "Why has there been a melon and a bag of oranges on the table for the last 2 days?"
Daddy:      "I might make fruit salad at the weekend.  Bryn do you like fruit salad?"
Bryn:        "Well yeah but isn't there supposed to be a bit more of a selection in a fruit salad?"
Daddy:      "Melon.  Oranges.   That is a selection."

Mummy comes in from shopping and starts dragging all the shopping bags in herself while everyone else sits around playing computer games.
Mummy:     "Don't mind me, I'm just Little Red Hen."
Daddy:        "Who?"
Tom:           "Who?"
Bryn:          "Who?"
Mummy:    "Grrr."
Daddy:       "Do you need some help?"
Mummy:    "Not yet, I'll let you know when it needs eating."

"I don't like to order steak in a restaurant.  It's very rare to find a good one.   If you have a bad steak you may as well be in an air crash and start eating the other passengers."

Daddy walks in to the room with a cup of tea:
Mummy:     "I didn't want one anyway."
Daddy:        "I just asked you and you said no,"
Mummy:     "That never happened."
Daddy:        "It did.  I said 'I'm making a cup of tea, do you want one?'"
Mummy:     "If I don't reply it means I didn't hear you, it's not an automatic no."
Daddy:        *big sigh, gets up to go in the kitchen*  "Do you want one then?"
Mummy:     "No.  I said I didn't.  I just want to be asked."

Daddy (on phone):  "Making nylon is like making a souffle."
Mummy:     "What the ****?
Colleague:   "Shush I want to see where he's going with this."
Daddy:         "You cook it on a really low heat for 24 hours then let it cool."
Colleague:    "That's not how they make it on Come Dine With Me."
Mummy:      "He's thinking of pavlova."

Just offered me a Cadbury's Creme Egg.  Not a creme egg.  A Cadbury's Creme Egg.   Also I haven't eaten chocolate in 12 years.  Also they were the creme eggs I bought for the children.