Don't be so vulgar...

Mummy:     "Look I've got some porn for you."
Hands Daddy some junk mail from a tool supplier.
Daddy:        "Oh wow look at the wood on that."   (This was said with no hint of irony whatsoever)
Ten minutes later Mummy had to snatch the brochure off him and throw it in the bin as he was holding it this way and that and making ooh aah noises.

Interrupting someone on the phone:  "Oh sorry I was shooting off a bit early there."

On someone burping:  "You want to be careful doing that.  You might vomically through."

"If you're sitting on a ball you're buggered."

"Thanks for the heads up.  Heads up?  My arse."

"Who always get the blame?  We do.  And we end up taking it up the arse."

"It's so diddly small I can't see it."

"I'm probably just clutching at it in the wrong area."

"He's got to the point now where he's putting his wood up and he doesn't want any mistakes."

Daddy:       "What do I think of dickhead blue?  Not a lot."
Mummy:    "Duck.  Egg.  Blue."

"Does the pope shit in the woods?"

Trying to think of an insult that's not swearing:
"Sass off...faff off...go away."

"Oh poo.  There's another one down the toilet."  Enough with the poo analogies already.

"That's really put the shitter amongst the chickens."

"You've got 12mm to play with from the head to the very tip."

Daddy:      "I'm going to Monmouthshire Timber.  I got some lovely screws last time.  Can I borrow your car?"
Mummy:   "Is it not enough that I'm letting you go out for a screw?"

"You'll need to remember that in case it all goes tits above."

"I'll show you what 42 inches looks like."

"Is that the bit that turns them on?  They want to try and push that."

"If you do that you can see the nut and the shaft rotating...if there's a hole in the shaft you can put a pin through it."

"It makes it easier to pull off."

"What can I tell you?   It's hard and round."

"Is it long?  Is it jiffy baggable?"

"He's really wishing he hadn't strapped that on now."

Daddy's attempt at a "That's what she said":
Mummy:       "That wasp was big fat and ugly."
Daddy:          "That's what she said."
Mummy:       "No, that doesn't work at all.  Try again."

Trying to sound clever and professional:
"So he can slide his woody in or whatever."

"We as a company always end up taking it up the arse."

After yet another failed 'that's what she said':
Mummy:   "When he has sex he stops every so often to say that's what she said."
Colleague:  "I don't want to know.

Used the words flange and lip in the same sentence and kept a straight face.

Colleague;   "She's coming now."
Mummy:      "That's what she said."
Daddy:         "Coming round the mountain."
Colleague:   "If you didn't have children I wouldn't believe you'd ever had sex."
Mummy:     "How dare you.  He's had sex twice."

Colleague:    "Do you like porn films?"
Daddy;          "I...er....I....er.... what?"
Colleague:    "Jason Bourne.  You know?"
Daddy:          "Phew.   Oh yes."