Used the word EQUIDISTANT in a conversation with family...in KFC of all places...
Mummy: "Which garden centre do you want to go to?"
Daddy: "It doesn't matter. They are all equidistant."
Daddy: "I'll never find it now. It will be in the mass conglomerate of filing."
Mummy: "Wrong, cos A, I've done the filing and B, a conglomerate is a collection of different things and the filing is all the same thing. i.e. pieces of paper. *blows raspberry*".
**Not actually sure who was being the most pompous old fart at this point**
On Mummy using a trade name to describe a generic product:
Daddy: "That's like going to the Mazda showroom and it being full of Skodas."
Mummy: "Yes. That's exactly what it's like. You're so right."
5 minutes later Daddy calls Henry a Hoover and he gets it with both barrels.
On the phone telling an anecdote so dull that Mummy lay on the floor under her desk and pretended to be dead.
Daddy: "I'm seeing how far I can go before I bore the woman at BT to death."
Mummy: "You should have stopped weeks ago. You've probably plateaued by now."
Daddy: "She sounded very interested."
Mummy: "She's not interested."
Daddy: "She is because it was very interesting and important."
Popping out to do a delivery and being genuinely annoyed cos when he got back a customer was parked in his spot (i.e. not really his spot but he likes to park there). Incidentally whenever he goes to Tesco he tries to park in the exact same spot. 99.9% of the time he doesn't manage to get this spot as it is only a few steps from the front door, but he still has a tantrum anyway.
Placing an order over the phone:
"...and then you can send us an invoice and we can pay it."
Bet they never thought of that. Ground breaking stuff.
Mummy: "I'm off work next week, can you do blah blah for me."
Daddy: "I don't know how."
Mummy starts to tell him...
Daddy: "I don't need to know, I'll just send the fax and get the info and you can do it when you get back."
Mummy: "OK. So here's the fax, send it on Thursday. I'll sort it out when I get back."
Daddy: "What's this? Why does it say this? Why is this here? What's this about?"
Mummy: "You said you didn't need to know. Just send the bloody fax."
Daddy struggling to control his inner nosy bugger for the rest of the day.
Tuesday 30 August 2016
Wednesday 11 November 2015
The Daddy Dictionary
Autobank a hole in the wall where you get cash from. Most people call them cash points or ATMs.
Ground Sheet it's just a sheet. God knows why it has to be a ground sheet. We're not camping in our own bed.
Juice a soft drink (actually squash or cordial) that one of the minihumans make you to have with your dinner. Must never be drunk, must be left on the table until someone else pours it away the next morning.
Pudding another meal after a meal. Any meal, even breakfast. Daddy will claim it's sweet but plain weetabix are not sweet.
Service Station somewhere you stop at on the motorway to complain about the price of food, complain that there isn't a Greggs and use the toilet.
Throwover also known as a bed spread. Something that makes you too hot (apparently).
This Place/ Our Place work
This lot/ Our lot work colleagues
Eskeelater moving staircase
Ground Sheet it's just a sheet. God knows why it has to be a ground sheet. We're not camping in our own bed.
Juice a soft drink (actually squash or cordial) that one of the minihumans make you to have with your dinner. Must never be drunk, must be left on the table until someone else pours it away the next morning.
Pudding another meal after a meal. Any meal, even breakfast. Daddy will claim it's sweet but plain weetabix are not sweet.
Service Station somewhere you stop at on the motorway to complain about the price of food, complain that there isn't a Greggs and use the toilet.
Throwover also known as a bed spread. Something that makes you too hot (apparently).
This Place/ Our Place work
This lot/ Our lot work colleagues
Eskeelater moving staircase
Monday 24 August 2015
Daddy live at the Hammersmith Apollo
"When is a jar not a jar? When it's a door. Oh. Wait. That's not right."
Skips across room waving arms, "Hi I'm Alan Sugar."
"Someone's written poppyprop instead of polyprop. That's the funniest thing I've heard today. It doesn't get much funnier."
Mummy: "My old boss used to eat chicken cuppa soup for lunch every day and it smelled like a roast dinner."
Daddy: *laughs hysterically* "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard."
Skips across room waving arms, "Hi I'm Alan Sugar."
"Someone's written poppyprop instead of polyprop. That's the funniest thing I've heard today. It doesn't get much funnier."
Mummy: "My old boss used to eat chicken cuppa soup for lunch every day and it smelled like a roast dinner."
Daddy: *laughs hysterically* "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard."
Monday 3 August 2015
Daddypedia. Everything you ever needed to know but slightly off kilter.
Daddy: "blah blah blah sat and nav."
Mummy: "Satnav."
Daddy: "Yes, sat and nav."
Mummy: "It's satnav. Satellite navigation."
Daddy: "I think you'll find it's satellite AND navigation."
Mummy: "That doesn't even make any sense."
Daddy: "Well maybe they changed it but when they were first invented they were called sat AND nav."
Mummy: "Whatever."
Daddy: "Tannings bad for your teeth."
Mummy: "Do you mean tannin?"
Daddy: "Tanning. Yes, in tea."
Daddy has just changed the name of the town Norwich to Norridge. All residents must use the new name at all times.
Daddy: "When you buy something from the continent you have to watch out for import duty."
Mummy: "I know. But this was from South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "No, South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "You do know the continent refers only to the continent you are on? i.e. Europe."
Daddy: "No it doesn't. It means everywhere other than Europe."
Mummy: "Don't be ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense."
Daddy: "Of course it does. Doesn't it?" (looks round at various other people, all who immediately run out of the room)
Daddy: "Squozen. It's the past tense of squeezed."
Tom: "No, squeezed is the past tense of squeeze."
Daddy: "Squozen is the state of the item that has been squeezed. Squozen orange juice."
Mummy: "Why does it not say squozen orange juice on bottles then?"
Daddy: "Because they are fresh. When they are not fresh they are squozen."
Mummy: "You are insane."
"We don't say midget anymore. We say primeval dwarf."
Mummy: "Do you want to come to Cardiff with me tomorrow, I'm meeting some people."
Daddy: "Can I take a raincheck?"
Mummy: "Not really, I'm meeting them tomorrow with or without you."
Daddy: "Oh is that what a raincheck is? I thought it just meant no."
Colleague: "When is he going to the doctor?"
Daddy: "Next Wednesday."
Colleague: "I thought it was this Wednesday." (It's Monday today)
Daddy: "Yes. The next Wednesday."
"The average man is 1.56m"
5 foot 1??
Daddy: "December's figures are not a bellweather..."
Mummy: "Whoah. A whatty what?"
Daddy: "A bellweather. It means an indicator."
Mummy: "I've been on this planet 45 years and I've never heard that word."
Colleague: "Sorry I don't want to take sides but I've never heard it either."
Daddy: "Google it."
Colleague: "The leading sheep of a flock with a bell on it's neck. A castrated sheep."
Daddy; "No."
Mummy: "So if the sheep starts walking round in circles we should panic? Is that what you're saying?"
Daddy: "Shut up."
Colleague: "Are you calling me a castrated sheep?"
Mummy: "That's not very nice."
Daddy: "Idiots."
Mummy: "Shut up you bellweather."
Mummy: "Satnav."
Daddy: "Yes, sat and nav."
Mummy: "It's satnav. Satellite navigation."
Daddy: "I think you'll find it's satellite AND navigation."
Mummy: "That doesn't even make any sense."
Daddy: "Well maybe they changed it but when they were first invented they were called sat AND nav."
Mummy: "Whatever."
Daddy: "Tannings bad for your teeth."
Mummy: "Do you mean tannin?"
Daddy: "Tanning. Yes, in tea."
Daddy has just changed the name of the town Norwich to Norridge. All residents must use the new name at all times.
Daddy: "When you buy something from the continent you have to watch out for import duty."
Mummy: "I know. But this was from South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "No, South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "You do know the continent refers only to the continent you are on? i.e. Europe."
Daddy: "No it doesn't. It means everywhere other than Europe."
Mummy: "Don't be ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense."
Daddy: "Of course it does. Doesn't it?" (looks round at various other people, all who immediately run out of the room)
Daddy: "Squozen. It's the past tense of squeezed."
Tom: "No, squeezed is the past tense of squeeze."
Daddy: "Squozen is the state of the item that has been squeezed. Squozen orange juice."
Mummy: "Why does it not say squozen orange juice on bottles then?"
Daddy: "Because they are fresh. When they are not fresh they are squozen."
Mummy: "You are insane."
"We don't say midget anymore. We say primeval dwarf."
Mummy: "Do you want to come to Cardiff with me tomorrow, I'm meeting some people."
Daddy: "Can I take a raincheck?"
Mummy: "Not really, I'm meeting them tomorrow with or without you."
Daddy: "Oh is that what a raincheck is? I thought it just meant no."
Colleague: "When is he going to the doctor?"
Daddy: "Next Wednesday."
Colleague: "I thought it was this Wednesday." (It's Monday today)
Daddy: "Yes. The next Wednesday."
"The average man is 1.56m"
5 foot 1??
Daddy: "December's figures are not a bellweather..."
Mummy: "Whoah. A whatty what?"
Daddy: "A bellweather. It means an indicator."
Mummy: "I've been on this planet 45 years and I've never heard that word."
Colleague: "Sorry I don't want to take sides but I've never heard it either."
Daddy: "Google it."
Colleague: "The leading sheep of a flock with a bell on it's neck. A castrated sheep."
Daddy; "No."
Mummy: "So if the sheep starts walking round in circles we should panic? Is that what you're saying?"
Daddy: "Shut up."
Colleague: "Are you calling me a castrated sheep?"
Mummy: "That's not very nice."
Daddy: "Idiots."
Mummy: "Shut up you bellweather."
I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.
Daddy: "Can you order me some orange paper."
Mummy: "Are you sure? It took 15 years to use the last pack."
Daddy: "That's it then. We may as well just shut up shop then."
On a trip to the cinema:
Daddy: "And then they both insisted on an icecream at a million pounds."
Mummy: "The trick to good exaggerating is to make it almost believable. Try again."
Daddy: "OK. Five hundred pounds. Each."
Describing being tired:
"Oh I've suddenly hit a cliff." *yawns dramatically*
On coughing:
"I suddenly had a weird coughing fit. Like someone was roasting peppers on an oven. Like mustard gas. Very strange."
Mummy: "There are a million flying ants in the room."
Daddy picks up four and throws them out of the window: "There you go, only 9996 to go."
"It's bloody hot. It's fan weather." (It's 15c)
Daddy: "It's so hot in here, I can't f-in breathe."
Mummy: "Stop swearing."
Daddy: "That's what this f-in heat does to me. I feel like I'm about to go into a coma."
"It's alright for them. they get like ninety hundred days credit." (Isn't that about 24 years? I want an account with whoever gives those terms.)
"I'll get you a price but it won't be today cos we are about 3 days behind."
Knocked his hand running across the garden:
"When you're doing 20 miles per hour it really hurts."
"I want to buy this off Ebay but it's probably about a thousand pounds postage."
Stranger on phone: "Are you open Saturdays?"
Daddy: "No. Thank god. We get burnt out enough in the week."
After going into the printer room and finding 3 delivery notes:
"It's like Armageddon out there. No-one's been near the printer since last Thursday."
After spending 2 minutes holding on the phone at 9.30am:
"Well that's half a day wasted."
One person phones in work sick:
"The NHS have got nothing on us. They think they've got it bad, they wanna try working here."
Trying to make sense of an email:
"I'm just trying to get a grip on reality."
Mummy: "Are you sure? It took 15 years to use the last pack."
Daddy: "That's it then. We may as well just shut up shop then."
On a trip to the cinema:
Daddy: "And then they both insisted on an icecream at a million pounds."
Mummy: "The trick to good exaggerating is to make it almost believable. Try again."
Daddy: "OK. Five hundred pounds. Each."
Describing being tired:
"Oh I've suddenly hit a cliff." *yawns dramatically*
On coughing:
"I suddenly had a weird coughing fit. Like someone was roasting peppers on an oven. Like mustard gas. Very strange."
Mummy: "There are a million flying ants in the room."
Daddy picks up four and throws them out of the window: "There you go, only 9996 to go."
"It's bloody hot. It's fan weather." (It's 15c)
Daddy: "It's so hot in here, I can't f-in breathe."
Mummy: "Stop swearing."
Daddy: "That's what this f-in heat does to me. I feel like I'm about to go into a coma."
"It's alright for them. they get like ninety hundred days credit." (Isn't that about 24 years? I want an account with whoever gives those terms.)
"I'll get you a price but it won't be today cos we are about 3 days behind."
Knocked his hand running across the garden:
"When you're doing 20 miles per hour it really hurts."
"I want to buy this off Ebay but it's probably about a thousand pounds postage."
Stranger on phone: "Are you open Saturdays?"
Daddy: "No. Thank god. We get burnt out enough in the week."
After going into the printer room and finding 3 delivery notes:
"It's like Armageddon out there. No-one's been near the printer since last Thursday."
After spending 2 minutes holding on the phone at 9.30am:
"Well that's half a day wasted."
One person phones in work sick:
"The NHS have got nothing on us. They think they've got it bad, they wanna try working here."
Trying to make sense of an email:
"I'm just trying to get a grip on reality."
Wednesday 1 July 2015
General Daddy Nonsense
"I turned into the Incredible Hulk there. I ripped this piece of paper in half."
I'm not saying Daddy's old but today he has referred to three separate men as chaps and just used the phrase higgledy piggledy.
Daddy's colleague is on the phone. He covers the mouthpiece and asks Daddy a question:
Steve: "Have you had this enquiry off anyone else?"
Daddy: "I'm not telling you that."
Steve: "But my customer asked."
Daddy: "If you went to your doctor with an STD and said 'Has anyone else been in here with an STD?' do you think the doctor would say 'Oh yeah so and so, you know so and so down the road? He came in this morning with that. Have you slept with him?'"
"I'm going to be up to my neck a metre high in rubble."
Daddy: "If I die can you write on my gravestone 'I'm too busy to be dead'?"
Mummy: "If? Are you hopeful there's a chance you might be immortal?"
"What I normally always say is..."
"I'm due a mistake. I haven't made one in a year or so."
Do you think it's things like that and all that and this and that?
"Hello gentlemen."
"If he lives close to home why would he want to move?"
"I've got petty cash all over my desk like in Giant and the Beanstalk."
"When I was young everything I did annoyed my brother, I've no idea why."
*tumbleweed blows across the room.*
"With the best will in the world he's got to live within the real world."
"Let me find a piece of paper, my bit of card, my pad of coloured paper, it's all procedures these days."
Left the Health and Safety file in the middle of the floor. Three people tripped over it.
Random person: "It's my birthday today."
Daddy: "Happy B Day."
Mummy was telling Daddy a story and yet again he interrupted demanding to know how the story ends before she's barely started:
Mummy: "When you were little and your mum would tell you a bedtime story would you interrupt her and say 'yeah yeah three pigs, does the wolf die?' and your mum would go 'well yes but...' and you would say 'good, night night'"
Daddy: "Maybe."
Daddy just became BFFs with the lady on the till in Aldi, apparently her name's Jackie.
Daddy went to help a new neighbour take something out of her car. Five minutes later he knows her full name, and her husbands, children and entire extended families names, what her and her husband do for a living, where they moved from and how much they sold their house for and what they are having for tea.
Mummy: "What does this say? I can't read your writing."
Daddy: "I don't know. South West?"
Mummy: "You wrote it. Only two minutes ago."
"I know he's a greatly overworked chap."
Used the words concur and co-incidentally in a conversation with his wife.
"I can smell high modular silicone sealant."
"You probably know me as Christopher. But only the doctor and the police call me that."
Phones someone:
"Who's calling? Oh yeah, me."
"I'm fine. Just keeping the British end up."
Mummy: "Ugh your hands."
Daddy: "I've been moving caravans."
Yesterday. Yesterday he moved A caravan.
"We need to find out what it's all about before we invite our customers to a car crash."
Approximately half an hour later repeated this phrase but substituted 'car crash' for 'shittest party ever'.
Writing an email:
Daddy: "How about this? 'The material that is languishing in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Sounds sarcy."
Daddy: "Gathering moss in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Really sarcy."
Daddy: "Residing?"
Mummy: "Why do you have to be a knob? Can't it just be sitting in our quarantine area?"
Daddy: "But English is such a rich fruitful language."
Mummy: "Not the way you use it. You speak it like a second language."
Mummy: "I wouldn't go to my school reunion.
Daddy: "I would."
Mummy: "You didn't go to my school. Nobody would know you there. I hated school anyway."
Daddy: "99.9% of people at my school..."
Mummy: "Blimey, how many were there?"
Daddy: "...got along harmoniously. Then there were the hardcore thugs."
Mummy: "Lucky that was only 0.1% eh."
Mummy: "Can I have a pink desk?"
Daddy: "Don't be stupid, that's not the corporate colour"...looks around...remembers the logo is pink...."Oh wait. We all have to have pink desks."
Opens window:
Daddy: "Aah that's better."
Mummy: "Good fart?"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "I bet your tummy was hurting holding it in,"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You should have done it in the kitchen."
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You shouldn't hold them in."
Daddy: "I DIDN'T FART."
Daddy: "Can you order me a stamp that says something like..."
Mummy: "No. Tell me exactly what you want and I will order it."
Daddy; "OK. How about... or maybe..."
Mummy: "NO tell me EXACTLY what you want."
Daddy: "OK. Say... or..."
Mummy: "Words like 'maybe' and 'or' are not decisive. I'm not ordering it til you tell me exactly what you want."
In the end he gave up and she just ordered whatever she felt like, It will probably be pink with flamingos on.
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along on the 5th October."
Mummy: "Coming along where?"
Daddy: "Dirk. Here. He's coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?
Daddy: "D. I. R. K. Is coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?"
Daddy: "Coming along to here."
Mummy: "To here? Why what's happening?"
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along."
Mummy: "I don't know what you mean."
Daddy: *big sigh* "Shall I start again?"
Mummy: "I wish you would."
Daddy: "Dirk is coming to visit us on the 5th October."
Mummy: "For gods sake. Why didn't you just say that? You said he was coming along. Like you are going somewhere and he is going with you."
Daddy: *even bigger sigh and eye rolling*
"What's your name?...Toby?...Thanks Toby...Bye Tony."
Daddy on phone: "I'm phoning to offer you a white feather..."
After he comes off:
Mummy: "Was that white feather supposed to be a peace offering?"
Daddy: "Yes *sighs* I know. It should have been a white flag."
Mummy: "You just called him a coward."
Daddy: "Maybe it was my own feather. You know in the first world war people used to walk round with bags of white feathers to hand out."
Mummy: "Are you sure they weren't pillows?"
Daddy; "That's the equivalent of cyclists riding round looking for trouble with a helmet cam."
German: "What's the word?"
Daddy: "Optimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Pessimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Brexit. The future."
German:
Daddy: "The EU. Angela Mercell."
German:
German: "I don't know. I've forgotten what I was trying to say."
Mummy: "What day are we moving?"
Daddy: "January or February maybe."
Mummy: "That's not a date."
Daddy: "Well.... blah...blah...infrastructure...blah blah...surveyors...blah blah... something else about infrastructure...blah blah...something about lawyers and shit...blah blah...*10 more minutes of blah blah* ...who knows."
Mummy: "Cool. Thanks."
Looks down at his filthy hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks that stuff."
Mummy: "You're covered in oil. Wash your hands."
Five minutes later after not washing his hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks."
Mummy: "I despair."
Daddy: "How do you spell Omah Gee?"
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Omah Gee? What the hell does that mean?"
Daddy: "Just tell me how to spell it. I haven't got time for this."
Mummy: "I would if it existed. What's it mean?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee. OMAH GEE. One of them smiley face things you put in a message."
Mummy: "Emoji?"
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Jesus. E M O J I. Emoji."
Daddy: "E M O J I Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Why did you need to spell it anyway?"
Daddy: "I wanted to send one in an email but I didn't have time to look for one so I wrote 'confused face Omah Gee' instead."
Mummy: "Emoji."
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee. Ah she's replied with a confused face Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Don't ever use that word again. And don't send an emoji in an email again."
"I take a belt and braces approach to life."
Just said BING in the middle of a sentence for no reason.
Daddy: "Does anyone know...blah blah..."
Mummy: "I'm the only other person in the room. Could you not call me anyone."
On phone:
"Hello, happy new year and all that wwhhhheeeeeeeeee"
Daddy: "I think it was a dodgy batch of. Anyway..."
Mummy: "Batch of what?"
Daddy: "I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish one sentence before you move onto the next. Batch of what?"
Daddy: "Hmm yes. I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish your sentence. I refuse to listen to the next one until you're finished."
Daddy: "*huge sigh* GAS."
Mummy; "Excellent. We've caught up. Carry on."
Daddy: "Cockadoodle doo. I'm a cock."
Mummy: "Yes you are."
"You'll need to bring your keys in tomorrow. Set yourself a ringtone text so you don't forget."
Daddy: "How do you spell whittled?"
Mummy: "Why would you need to write that word?"
Daddy: "I'm writing an email. 'It's not a stock item, it has to be made to order, well when I say made to order...blah blah... something about whittled from a sheet...blah blah... planed to size...blah blah...' So anyway how do I spell whittled?"
Mummy: "W H I T T L E D if you absolutely insist on sending that nonsense email."
Daddy: "No that's not right."
Mummy: "It is."
Daddy: "W H A T I L E D? That's not right."
Mummy: "Stop talking now."
I'm not saying Daddy's old but today he has referred to three separate men as chaps and just used the phrase higgledy piggledy.
Daddy's colleague is on the phone. He covers the mouthpiece and asks Daddy a question:
Steve: "Have you had this enquiry off anyone else?"
Daddy: "I'm not telling you that."
Steve: "But my customer asked."
Daddy: "If you went to your doctor with an STD and said 'Has anyone else been in here with an STD?' do you think the doctor would say 'Oh yeah so and so, you know so and so down the road? He came in this morning with that. Have you slept with him?'"
"I'm going to be up to my neck a metre high in rubble."
Daddy: "If I die can you write on my gravestone 'I'm too busy to be dead'?"
Mummy: "If? Are you hopeful there's a chance you might be immortal?"
"What I normally always say is..."
"I'm due a mistake. I haven't made one in a year or so."
Do you think it's things like that and all that and this and that?
"Hello gentlemen."
"If he lives close to home why would he want to move?"
"I've got petty cash all over my desk like in Giant and the Beanstalk."
"When I was young everything I did annoyed my brother, I've no idea why."
*tumbleweed blows across the room.*
"With the best will in the world he's got to live within the real world."
"Let me find a piece of paper, my bit of card, my pad of coloured paper, it's all procedures these days."
Left the Health and Safety file in the middle of the floor. Three people tripped over it.
Random person: "It's my birthday today."
Daddy: "Happy B Day."
Mummy was telling Daddy a story and yet again he interrupted demanding to know how the story ends before she's barely started:
Mummy: "When you were little and your mum would tell you a bedtime story would you interrupt her and say 'yeah yeah three pigs, does the wolf die?' and your mum would go 'well yes but...' and you would say 'good, night night'"
Daddy: "Maybe."
Daddy just became BFFs with the lady on the till in Aldi, apparently her name's Jackie.
Daddy went to help a new neighbour take something out of her car. Five minutes later he knows her full name, and her husbands, children and entire extended families names, what her and her husband do for a living, where they moved from and how much they sold their house for and what they are having for tea.
Mummy: "What does this say? I can't read your writing."
Daddy: "I don't know. South West?"
Mummy: "You wrote it. Only two minutes ago."
"I know he's a greatly overworked chap."
Used the words concur and co-incidentally in a conversation with his wife.
"I can smell high modular silicone sealant."
"You probably know me as Christopher. But only the doctor and the police call me that."
Phones someone:
"Who's calling? Oh yeah, me."
"I'm fine. Just keeping the British end up."
Mummy: "Ugh your hands."
Daddy: "I've been moving caravans."
Yesterday. Yesterday he moved A caravan.
"We need to find out what it's all about before we invite our customers to a car crash."
Approximately half an hour later repeated this phrase but substituted 'car crash' for 'shittest party ever'.
Writing an email:
Daddy: "How about this? 'The material that is languishing in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Sounds sarcy."
Daddy: "Gathering moss in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Really sarcy."
Daddy: "Residing?"
Mummy: "Why do you have to be a knob? Can't it just be sitting in our quarantine area?"
Daddy: "But English is such a rich fruitful language."
Mummy: "Not the way you use it. You speak it like a second language."
Mummy: "I wouldn't go to my school reunion.
Daddy: "I would."
Mummy: "You didn't go to my school. Nobody would know you there. I hated school anyway."
Daddy: "99.9% of people at my school..."
Mummy: "Blimey, how many were there?"
Daddy: "...got along harmoniously. Then there were the hardcore thugs."
Mummy: "Lucky that was only 0.1% eh."
Mummy: "Can I have a pink desk?"
Daddy: "Don't be stupid, that's not the corporate colour"...looks around...remembers the logo is pink...."Oh wait. We all have to have pink desks."
Opens window:
Daddy: "Aah that's better."
Mummy: "Good fart?"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "I bet your tummy was hurting holding it in,"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You should have done it in the kitchen."
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You shouldn't hold them in."
Daddy: "I DIDN'T FART."
Daddy: "Can you order me a stamp that says something like..."
Mummy: "No. Tell me exactly what you want and I will order it."
Daddy; "OK. How about... or maybe..."
Mummy: "NO tell me EXACTLY what you want."
Daddy: "OK. Say... or..."
Mummy: "Words like 'maybe' and 'or' are not decisive. I'm not ordering it til you tell me exactly what you want."
In the end he gave up and she just ordered whatever she felt like, It will probably be pink with flamingos on.
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along on the 5th October."
Mummy: "Coming along where?"
Daddy: "Dirk. Here. He's coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?
Daddy: "D. I. R. K. Is coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?"
Daddy: "Coming along to here."
Mummy: "To here? Why what's happening?"
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along."
Mummy: "I don't know what you mean."
Daddy: *big sigh* "Shall I start again?"
Mummy: "I wish you would."
Daddy: "Dirk is coming to visit us on the 5th October."
Mummy: "For gods sake. Why didn't you just say that? You said he was coming along. Like you are going somewhere and he is going with you."
Daddy: *even bigger sigh and eye rolling*
"What's your name?...Toby?...Thanks Toby...Bye Tony."
Daddy on phone: "I'm phoning to offer you a white feather..."
After he comes off:
Mummy: "Was that white feather supposed to be a peace offering?"
Daddy: "Yes *sighs* I know. It should have been a white flag."
Mummy: "You just called him a coward."
Daddy: "Maybe it was my own feather. You know in the first world war people used to walk round with bags of white feathers to hand out."
Mummy: "Are you sure they weren't pillows?"
Daddy; "That's the equivalent of cyclists riding round looking for trouble with a helmet cam."
German: "What's the word?"
Daddy: "Optimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Pessimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Brexit. The future."
German:
Daddy: "The EU. Angela Mercell."
German:
German: "I don't know. I've forgotten what I was trying to say."
Mummy: "What day are we moving?"
Daddy: "January or February maybe."
Mummy: "That's not a date."
Daddy: "Well.... blah...blah...infrastructure...blah blah...surveyors...blah blah... something else about infrastructure...blah blah...something about lawyers and shit...blah blah...*10 more minutes of blah blah* ...who knows."
Mummy: "Cool. Thanks."
Looks down at his filthy hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks that stuff."
Mummy: "You're covered in oil. Wash your hands."
Five minutes later after not washing his hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks."
Mummy: "I despair."
Daddy: "How do you spell Omah Gee?"
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Omah Gee? What the hell does that mean?"
Daddy: "Just tell me how to spell it. I haven't got time for this."
Mummy: "I would if it existed. What's it mean?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee. OMAH GEE. One of them smiley face things you put in a message."
Mummy: "Emoji?"
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Jesus. E M O J I. Emoji."
Daddy: "E M O J I Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Why did you need to spell it anyway?"
Daddy: "I wanted to send one in an email but I didn't have time to look for one so I wrote 'confused face Omah Gee' instead."
Mummy: "Emoji."
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee. Ah she's replied with a confused face Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Don't ever use that word again. And don't send an emoji in an email again."
"I take a belt and braces approach to life."
Just said BING in the middle of a sentence for no reason.
Daddy: "Does anyone know...blah blah..."
Mummy: "I'm the only other person in the room. Could you not call me anyone."
On phone:
"Hello, happy new year and all that wwhhhheeeeeeeeee"
Daddy: "I think it was a dodgy batch of. Anyway..."
Mummy: "Batch of what?"
Daddy: "I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish one sentence before you move onto the next. Batch of what?"
Daddy: "Hmm yes. I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish your sentence. I refuse to listen to the next one until you're finished."
Daddy: "*huge sigh* GAS."
Mummy; "Excellent. We've caught up. Carry on."
Daddy: "Cockadoodle doo. I'm a cock."
Mummy: "Yes you are."
"You'll need to bring your keys in tomorrow. Set yourself a ringtone text so you don't forget."
Daddy: "How do you spell whittled?"
Mummy: "Why would you need to write that word?"
Daddy: "I'm writing an email. 'It's not a stock item, it has to be made to order, well when I say made to order...blah blah... something about whittled from a sheet...blah blah... planed to size...blah blah...' So anyway how do I spell whittled?"
Mummy: "W H I T T L E D if you absolutely insist on sending that nonsense email."
Daddy: "No that's not right."
Mummy: "It is."
Daddy: "W H A T I L E D? That's not right."
Mummy: "Stop talking now."
Tuesday 9 June 2015
My Daddy
This is Daddy and Carly on the beach somewhere in Devon
This is me on Daddy's lap and Carly trying to cuddle with Grandad. As you can see Grandad didn't want to cuddle with Carly.
Wednesday 13 May 2015
Nanny and Grandadisms.
Walking through a shopping mall:
Daddy: "And this is Katie's favourite shop, Hollister"
Nanny (peering through the window): "What do they sell?"
Daddy: "Clothes and perfume"
Nanny: "Ooh and lamps, they sell lamps"
Daddy: "Er no, that's just a light fitting"
Looking at the computers in an electrical shop:
Nanny: "I'm going to look at that computer over there, I want to know how much that wallpaper is"
In a busy restaurant at 90,000 decibels as a waiter with a tattoo passes the table:
Grandad: "Ooh look that man's got a huge bruise on his arm"
In a tiny craft shop right in front of the owner:
Nanny: "Ugh it stinks in here"
Staying at Nanny and Grandads one christmas:
Mummy: "I need to nip out to the chemist"
Grandad: "What do you need? I might have it"
Mummy: "Er no I don't think you will"
Grandad: "I might, I have most things"
Everyone else: "No you really won't"
Grandad: "But what do you need?"
Mummy: "TAMPONS!"
Grandad (shuffling off): "No I don't have any of them"
To a customer in an Italian restaurant:
Daddy: "Are you open?"
Man: "I don't work here"
Nanny" "Are you open?"
Man: "I don't work here"
Nanny: "Are you serving luncheon?"
Daddy: "He doesn't work here"
Man: "If I worked here I wouldn't be just standing here"
Nanny: "You might, you could be Italian"
Reading mini humans t-shirt that says Bring out the gimp:
Nanny: "Bring out the jimp. What's a jimp?"
Ordering desserts in a restaurant:
Nanny: "The portions here are far too big"
Grandad: "Far too big for us"
Nanny: "Do you recommend the lemon meringue sundae?"
Waitress: "It's the biggest pudding on the menu"
Grandad: "I'll have it then"
The phone rings.
Mummy: "Hello."
Grandad: "Hello Rosie." (That's our cousin, Uncle Nick's daughter)
Mummy: "No, it's Sam."
Grandad: "Is that Hannah?" (That's Rosie's sister)
Mummy: "No, it's Sam. You've rung the wrong number."
Grandad (very crossly): NO I HAVEN'T. Is that Hannah?"
Mummy: "No, it's Sam."
Grandad: "Who?"
Mummy: "Sam."
Grandad: "Who?"
Mummy: "SAM!"
Grandad: "Flo?"
Mummy: "NO SAM!"
Grandad (very crossly): *sigh*"I'm going to ring off now Flo."
Grandad: "I had a bowl of fruit, full cooked breakfast and three croissants."
Mummy: "Three?"
Grandad: "Yes. And fresh fruit. It was so healthy."
Daddy: "And this is Katie's favourite shop, Hollister"
Nanny (peering through the window): "What do they sell?"
Daddy: "Clothes and perfume"
Nanny: "Ooh and lamps, they sell lamps"
Daddy: "Er no, that's just a light fitting"
Looking at the computers in an electrical shop:
Nanny: "I'm going to look at that computer over there, I want to know how much that wallpaper is"
In a busy restaurant at 90,000 decibels as a waiter with a tattoo passes the table:
Grandad: "Ooh look that man's got a huge bruise on his arm"
In a tiny craft shop right in front of the owner:
Nanny: "Ugh it stinks in here"
Staying at Nanny and Grandads one christmas:
Mummy: "I need to nip out to the chemist"
Grandad: "What do you need? I might have it"
Mummy: "Er no I don't think you will"
Grandad: "I might, I have most things"
Everyone else: "No you really won't"
Grandad: "But what do you need?"
Mummy: "TAMPONS!"
Grandad (shuffling off): "No I don't have any of them"
To a customer in an Italian restaurant:
Daddy: "Are you open?"
Man: "I don't work here"
Nanny" "Are you open?"
Man: "I don't work here"
Nanny: "Are you serving luncheon?"
Daddy: "He doesn't work here"
Man: "If I worked here I wouldn't be just standing here"
Nanny: "You might, you could be Italian"
Reading mini humans t-shirt that says Bring out the gimp:
Nanny: "Bring out the jimp. What's a jimp?"
Ordering desserts in a restaurant:
Nanny: "The portions here are far too big"
Grandad: "Far too big for us"
Nanny: "Do you recommend the lemon meringue sundae?"
Waitress: "It's the biggest pudding on the menu"
Grandad: "I'll have it then"
The phone rings.
Mummy: "Hello."
Grandad: "Hello Rosie." (That's our cousin, Uncle Nick's daughter)
Mummy: "No, it's Sam."
Grandad: "Is that Hannah?" (That's Rosie's sister)
Mummy: "No, it's Sam. You've rung the wrong number."
Grandad (very crossly): NO I HAVEN'T. Is that Hannah?"
Mummy: "No, it's Sam."
Grandad: "Who?"
Mummy: "Sam."
Grandad: "Who?"
Mummy: "SAM!"
Grandad: "Flo?"
Mummy: "NO SAM!"
Grandad (very crossly): *sigh*"I'm going to ring off now Flo."
Grandad: "I had a bowl of fruit, full cooked breakfast and three croissants."
Mummy: "Three?"
Grandad: "Yes. And fresh fruit. It was so healthy."
Saturday 25 April 2015
Daddy on shopping.
Minihuman: "HMV is going into administration."
Daddy: "I was in there on Saturday. We ought to go at the weekend and buy even more."
Mummy: "What do you mean even more? You didn't buy anything."
Daddy: "I know."
Daddy: "I'm going to Tesco. Does anybody want anything?"
Colleague: "Can I have a can of coke?"
Daddy: "Do they even sell cans any more?"
Colleague: "Would you like anything from the shop?"
Daddy: "Yes please. Could you get me some luxury moooosli for my pudding?"
Colleague: "Moooosli? Muesli. What kind of a freak eats cereal for pudding?"
Mummy: "What kind of a freak has a pudding after their lunch? You're not a toddler."
"The only people in Tesco at that time of night are stack shelfers."
Phones Mummy from town:
"You were right. It isn't Pret A Manager after all."
Mummy: "Amazon want to know my rating for War and Peace."
Daddy: "The TV programme?"
Mummy: "No the book."
Daddy: "You haven't read it."
Mummy: "If I hadn't read it they wouldn't be asking for my rating."
Daddy: "I bet you sped through the boring bits."
Mummy: "That is not how grown ups read."
Daddy: "I got them on a 2 for 3 deal."
Mummy: "That's not a good deal."
Wanted to buy new pyjamas. Went to look at them in Primark. Went home. Thought about it for a week. Went back. Took fifteen minutes to choose a pair.
Bought a new car on a whim after passing it on a garage forecourt on his way back home from dinner.
Daddy: "I was in there on Saturday. We ought to go at the weekend and buy even more."
Mummy: "What do you mean even more? You didn't buy anything."
Daddy: "I know."
Daddy: "I'm going to Tesco. Does anybody want anything?"
Colleague: "Can I have a can of coke?"
Daddy: "Do they even sell cans any more?"
Colleague: "Would you like anything from the shop?"
Daddy: "Yes please. Could you get me some luxury moooosli for my pudding?"
Colleague: "Moooosli? Muesli. What kind of a freak eats cereal for pudding?"
Mummy: "What kind of a freak has a pudding after their lunch? You're not a toddler."
 |
| "I'm not paying 5p for a carrier bag, I'll carry this loo brush all round Cardiff instead." |
"The only people in Tesco at that time of night are stack shelfers."
Phones Mummy from town:
"You were right. It isn't Pret A Manager after all."
Mummy: "Amazon want to know my rating for War and Peace."
Daddy: "The TV programme?"
Mummy: "No the book."
Daddy: "You haven't read it."
Mummy: "If I hadn't read it they wouldn't be asking for my rating."
Daddy: "I bet you sped through the boring bits."
Mummy: "That is not how grown ups read."
Daddy: "I got them on a 2 for 3 deal."
Mummy: "That's not a good deal."
Wanted to buy new pyjamas. Went to look at them in Primark. Went home. Thought about it for a week. Went back. Took fifteen minutes to choose a pair.
Bought a new car on a whim after passing it on a garage forecourt on his way back home from dinner.
Daddy on kids.
After telling someone on the phone that his daughter gave him a bag of nuts out of her ration pack:
Mummy: "You have to stop telling people Katie's in the TA, she's in the cadets."
Daddy: "Shut up, they're not interested in that. I was describing my nuts."
On Katie:
"You can tell she's her great grandmother's daughter."
On meeting the headmaster of minihuman's new school:
"Hello, it's very good of US to see YOU at such short notice."
Daddy: "I worry about the future when this lot are in charge."
Mummy: "Ha, yes, nobody will need a police force cos nobody wants to be a grass."
Daddy: "It'll be like baizerunner."
Mummy: "Is that about snooker?"
Shouting upstairs:
Daddy: "Have you got any cups and saucers up there?"
Katie: "What? I'm not 60."
Daddy: "I meant pots and pans."
"If kids are anything she won't like it anyway."
Mummy: "You have to stop telling people Katie's in the TA, she's in the cadets."
Daddy: "Shut up, they're not interested in that. I was describing my nuts."
On Katie:
"You can tell she's her great grandmother's daughter."
On meeting the headmaster of minihuman's new school:
"Hello, it's very good of US to see YOU at such short notice."
Daddy: "I worry about the future when this lot are in charge."
Mummy: "Ha, yes, nobody will need a police force cos nobody wants to be a grass."
Daddy: "It'll be like baizerunner."
Mummy: "Is that about snooker?"
Shouting upstairs:
Daddy: "Have you got any cups and saucers up there?"
Katie: "What? I'm not 60."
Daddy: "I meant pots and pans."
"If kids are anything she won't like it anyway."
Daddy on sport.
Daddy: "We got 75 million for Suarez."
Mummy: "Well done. You deserve a bonus."
Daddy: "We played really well last night."
Mummy: "Did you really? And there was me thinking you just lay on the settee with a bottle of beer."
Daddy: "We as in the team. It's my team. I put money into it."
Mummy: "Oh. When?"
Daddy: "I pay my subscription every month to the website."
Mummy: "I do my shopping at Tesco every week but I don't call it my shop."
Mummy: "Well done. You deserve a bonus."
Daddy: "We played really well last night."
Mummy: "Did you really? And there was me thinking you just lay on the settee with a bottle of beer."
Daddy: "We as in the team. It's my team. I put money into it."
Mummy: "Oh. When?"
Daddy: "I pay my subscription every month to the website."
Mummy: "I do my shopping at Tesco every week but I don't call it my shop."
Daddy on food.
Colleague: "Look at this baked potato. Does this look like a nice potato?"
Daddy: "I'll tell you what's nice. The new saw. It's a lovely shade of grey."
Colleague: "I'm glad my lunch reminded you of that."
Daddy comes in from the pub just as the rest of the humans have sat down for tea, so Mummy points at his plate on the worktop and says, "Your dinner's over there, it's still hot."
So Daddy gets a plate out of the cupboard and starts spooning the leftover potato bake onto it.
Mummy: "What are you doing?"
Daddy: "Dishing up."
Mummy: "That's Carly's dinner."
Daddy: "Blimey she eats better than us."
Mummy: "How much have you had to drink? Your dinner is right behind you."
Mummy: "When I was little I thought all alcohol would taste like wine gums. Imagine my surprise the first time I tried sherry."
Daddy: "Ugh. I'd rather drink a litre of lighter fuel than sherry."
Tom: "Why a litre? Nobody offered you a litre of sherry."
Daddy: "OK. A gallon then."
Mummy: "Would you like a pint of pernod?"
"If it's not the booze it's the wine."
"I very rarely drink. I need to keep my brain in tip top condition for work."
"This kitchen is like Botulism City, Arizona."
Sharing biscuits: "Would you like to participate in a hobnob?"
Daddy made custard. He read the instructions on the tin and decided that was far too much sugar so put an eighth of the recommended amount in. Sponge cake with warm milk on top is not the tastiest thing you will ever try.
Mummy: "Would you like a cake?"
Daddy: "Mmm nice and sweaty."
Mummy: You mean moist?"
Colleague: "Would you like some couscous?"
Daddy: "If it's free."
Mummy: "What are you eating?"
Daddy: "Soup. Not beans. I can't take the ridicule any more."
Mummy: "Your bum can't take much more either...That's just pureed beans isn't it."
Daddy: "No it's soup."
Mummy: "Pureed bean soup."
Today at lunchtime one of Daddy's work colleagues was going to the shop so Daddy asked if he could bring him back a microwaveable curry. When Matt returned Daddy sat and watched Matt cook his dinner for him and serve it to him at his desk. Matt also bought himself a curry and some poppadoms. While Matt's own curry was cooking he left a plate of poppadoms on his desk. By the time he came back into the office Daddy had eaten half his poppadoms.
Matt: "You ate my poppadoms you robbing BEEP."
Daddy: "I thought they were mine."
Matt: "Did you ask me for poppadoms?"
Daddy: "Well no, but you did put them on my desk."
Matt: "THAT'S NOT YOUR DESK. EVERY DESK IS NOT YOUR DESK!"
Daddy: "I've eaten too many tomatoes."
Mummy: "They're not tomatoes."
Daddy; "Grapes."
Mummy: "No."
Daddy: "Melons. Tummy ache."
(They were strawberries)
Daddy: "What are those packet things everybody is eating these days?"
Mummy: "Cuppa soup? Have you just been to a supermarket for the first time?"
Mummy: "How was your muffin?"
Daddy: "Best I ever had. Sometimes there's too much muff and not enough in."
Mummy: "The only man in the world complaining he's got too much muff."
Daddy: "I like my muffins like I like my lemon drizzle cake. Moist."
Mummy: "If that was supposed to be rude you're way off."
Daddy: "I don't know why I was so ill last night. Must be something I ate yesterday."
Mummy: "It wasn't my cooking, the rest of us were fine."
Daddy; "No, I know. I felt ill before dinner."
Mummy: "What did you eat in work?"
Daddy: "Not a lot. Two bananas *holds up bag of VERY green bananas*, a few oranges, maybe two or three, a couple of bowls of cereal, two ham rolls, a pasty and some toast. *picks up yesterdays plate that is still on the floor under his desk* Oh, now are they mouse droppings or poppy seeds?"
Mummy: "Well that solves today's mystery."
Daddy: "Do you want a doughnut?"
Mummy: "I'd rather have a cake off the cake stall."
Daddy: "They'll all be full of sugar. I'd rather have a doughnut."
Mummy: "Mmmm a nice jammy sugar free doughnut."
"It's like molten lava in pastry...This pasty is structurally unsound."
On seeing Mummy holding a banana skin:
Daddy: "That's a potential banana skin."
Mummy: "No, it's an actual banana skin."
"Look at me eating a spicy curry. I must be up the duff."
Daddy: "Did I see some cheese? I thought I saw some cheese."
Mummy: "It's in the sauce."
Daddy: "I can see it but I can't taste it."
Bryn: "I can't believe this is Katie's favourite thing that you make."
Mummy: "Anyone else want to have a go? Tom?"
Tom: "Did I see some flavour? I can see it but I can't taste it."
Tom: "A whole rack of ribs? I can't even imagine how big that is."
Daddy: "It's a piece of string measurement."
Tom: "Come again?"
Daddy: "An undefined unit of measurement."
Eating a steak pie:
Daddy: "I'm choking on a a pastry."
Mummy: "A pastry? This isn't a bloody French cafe you know."
"Would you like to participate in a cough sweet?"
Mummy: "Trust you. Everyone else just ate their custard tart but you had to fetch a plate and a knife and fork. Would you like a doily?"
Daddy: "Nmmmm mmmm nmmmm"
Mummy: "Swallow your food and start again."
Daddy: "Gulp. That's because I'm sophisticated."
Mummy: "Talking with your mouth full. The height of sophistication."
Daddy got genuinely annoyed because his strawberry Muller corner didn't match the picture on the lid. i.e. a photo of an entire strawberry.
"This gravy is weird. It's like placenta."
"Sprouts are awesome to the max."
Daddy: "Tannings bad for your teeth."
Mummy: "Do you mean tannin?"
Daddy: "Yes tanning, in tea."
Mummy: "Even Johnny can cook rice."
Daddy: "Hey, what do you mean? I'm a great cook."
Mummy: "Putting things on a baking tray isn't cooking."
Daddy: "If I can strip a TR6 gear box I'm sure I can cook a meal."
"A skinny latte? Isn't that just in a long thin cup?"
Daddy: "I had a Cornish from the motorway services."
Mummy: "A Cornish? Ice cream?"
Daddy: "No a pasty. It was chicken tikka."
Mummy: "So you had a chicken tikka pasty. Not a chicken tikka Cornish. Cornish is a type of pasty, not another name for pasty." *rolls eyes....yet again*
Edit: Daddy calls all pasties Cornishes at all times. When the butty van comes to work he frequently says "hmm do I want a Cornish?"
"I don't like Crispy Creme. It's like a f-in German f-in hybrid f-in doughnut type thing."
"Cup of tea? I think we'll all participate."
Mummy; "Why has there been a melon and a bag of oranges on the table for the last 2 days?"
Daddy: "I might make fruit salad at the weekend. Bryn do you like fruit salad?"
Bryn: "Well yeah but isn't there supposed to be a bit more of a selection in a fruit salad?"
Daddy: "Melon. Oranges. That is a selection."
Mummy comes in from shopping and starts dragging all the shopping bags in herself while everyone else sits around playing computer games.
Mummy: "Don't mind me, I'm just Little Red Hen."
Daddy: "Who?"
Tom: "Who?"
Bryn: "Who?"
Mummy: "Grrr."
Daddy: "Do you need some help?"
Mummy: "Not yet, I'll let you know when it needs eating."
"I don't like to order steak in a restaurant. It's very rare to find a good one. If you have a bad steak you may as well be in an air crash and start eating the other passengers."
Daddy walks in to the room with a cup of tea:
Mummy: "I didn't want one anyway."
Daddy: "I just asked you and you said no,"
Mummy: "That never happened."
Daddy: "It did. I said 'I'm making a cup of tea, do you want one?'"
Mummy: "If I don't reply it means I didn't hear you, it's not an automatic no."
Daddy: *big sigh, gets up to go in the kitchen* "Do you want one then?"
Mummy: "No. I said I didn't. I just want to be asked."
Daddy (on phone): "Making nylon is like making a souffle."
Mummy: "What the ****?
Colleague: "Shush I want to see where he's going with this."
Daddy: "You cook it on a really low heat for 24 hours then let it cool."
Colleague: "That's not how they make it on Come Dine With Me."
Mummy: "He's thinking of pavlova."
Just offered me a Cadbury's Creme Egg. Not a creme egg. A Cadbury's Creme Egg. Also I haven't eaten chocolate in 12 years. Also they were the creme eggs I bought for the children.
Daddy: "I'll tell you what's nice. The new saw. It's a lovely shade of grey."
Colleague: "I'm glad my lunch reminded you of that."
Daddy comes in from the pub just as the rest of the humans have sat down for tea, so Mummy points at his plate on the worktop and says, "Your dinner's over there, it's still hot."
So Daddy gets a plate out of the cupboard and starts spooning the leftover potato bake onto it.
Mummy: "What are you doing?"
Daddy: "Dishing up."
Mummy: "That's Carly's dinner."
Daddy: "Blimey she eats better than us."
Mummy: "How much have you had to drink? Your dinner is right behind you."
Mummy: "When I was little I thought all alcohol would taste like wine gums. Imagine my surprise the first time I tried sherry."
Daddy: "Ugh. I'd rather drink a litre of lighter fuel than sherry."
Tom: "Why a litre? Nobody offered you a litre of sherry."
Daddy: "OK. A gallon then."
Mummy: "Would you like a pint of pernod?"
"If it's not the booze it's the wine."
"I very rarely drink. I need to keep my brain in tip top condition for work."
"This kitchen is like Botulism City, Arizona."
Sharing biscuits: "Would you like to participate in a hobnob?"
Daddy made custard. He read the instructions on the tin and decided that was far too much sugar so put an eighth of the recommended amount in. Sponge cake with warm milk on top is not the tastiest thing you will ever try.
Mummy: "Would you like a cake?"
Daddy: "Mmm nice and sweaty."
Mummy: You mean moist?"
Colleague: "Would you like some couscous?"
Daddy: "If it's free."
Mummy: "What are you eating?"
Daddy: "Soup. Not beans. I can't take the ridicule any more."
Mummy: "Your bum can't take much more either...That's just pureed beans isn't it."
Daddy: "No it's soup."
Mummy: "Pureed bean soup."
Today at lunchtime one of Daddy's work colleagues was going to the shop so Daddy asked if he could bring him back a microwaveable curry. When Matt returned Daddy sat and watched Matt cook his dinner for him and serve it to him at his desk. Matt also bought himself a curry and some poppadoms. While Matt's own curry was cooking he left a plate of poppadoms on his desk. By the time he came back into the office Daddy had eaten half his poppadoms.
Matt: "You ate my poppadoms you robbing BEEP."
Daddy: "I thought they were mine."
Matt: "Did you ask me for poppadoms?"
Daddy: "Well no, but you did put them on my desk."
Matt: "THAT'S NOT YOUR DESK. EVERY DESK IS NOT YOUR DESK!"
Daddy: "I've eaten too many tomatoes."
Mummy: "They're not tomatoes."
Daddy; "Grapes."
Mummy: "No."
Daddy: "Melons. Tummy ache."
(They were strawberries)
Daddy: "What are those packet things everybody is eating these days?"
Mummy: "Cuppa soup? Have you just been to a supermarket for the first time?"
Mummy: "How was your muffin?"
Daddy: "Best I ever had. Sometimes there's too much muff and not enough in."
Mummy: "The only man in the world complaining he's got too much muff."
Daddy: "I like my muffins like I like my lemon drizzle cake. Moist."
Mummy: "If that was supposed to be rude you're way off."
Daddy: "I don't know why I was so ill last night. Must be something I ate yesterday."
Mummy: "It wasn't my cooking, the rest of us were fine."
Daddy; "No, I know. I felt ill before dinner."
Mummy: "What did you eat in work?"
Daddy: "Not a lot. Two bananas *holds up bag of VERY green bananas*, a few oranges, maybe two or three, a couple of bowls of cereal, two ham rolls, a pasty and some toast. *picks up yesterdays plate that is still on the floor under his desk* Oh, now are they mouse droppings or poppy seeds?"
Mummy: "Well that solves today's mystery."
Daddy: "Do you want a doughnut?"
Mummy: "I'd rather have a cake off the cake stall."
Daddy: "They'll all be full of sugar. I'd rather have a doughnut."
Mummy: "Mmmm a nice jammy sugar free doughnut."
"It's like molten lava in pastry...This pasty is structurally unsound."
On seeing Mummy holding a banana skin:
Daddy: "That's a potential banana skin."
Mummy: "No, it's an actual banana skin."
"Look at me eating a spicy curry. I must be up the duff."
Daddy: "Did I see some cheese? I thought I saw some cheese."
Mummy: "It's in the sauce."
Daddy: "I can see it but I can't taste it."
Bryn: "I can't believe this is Katie's favourite thing that you make."
Mummy: "Anyone else want to have a go? Tom?"
Tom: "Did I see some flavour? I can see it but I can't taste it."
Tom: "A whole rack of ribs? I can't even imagine how big that is."
Daddy: "It's a piece of string measurement."
Tom: "Come again?"
Daddy: "An undefined unit of measurement."
Eating a steak pie:
Daddy: "I'm choking on a a pastry."
Mummy: "A pastry? This isn't a bloody French cafe you know."
"Would you like to participate in a cough sweet?"
Mummy: "Trust you. Everyone else just ate their custard tart but you had to fetch a plate and a knife and fork. Would you like a doily?"
Daddy: "Nmmmm mmmm nmmmm"
Mummy: "Swallow your food and start again."
Daddy: "Gulp. That's because I'm sophisticated."
Mummy: "Talking with your mouth full. The height of sophistication."
Daddy got genuinely annoyed because his strawberry Muller corner didn't match the picture on the lid. i.e. a photo of an entire strawberry.
"This gravy is weird. It's like placenta."
"Sprouts are awesome to the max."
Daddy: "Tannings bad for your teeth."
Mummy: "Do you mean tannin?"
Daddy: "Yes tanning, in tea."
Mummy: "Even Johnny can cook rice."
Daddy: "Hey, what do you mean? I'm a great cook."
Mummy: "Putting things on a baking tray isn't cooking."
Daddy: "If I can strip a TR6 gear box I'm sure I can cook a meal."
"A skinny latte? Isn't that just in a long thin cup?"
Daddy: "I had a Cornish from the motorway services."
Mummy: "A Cornish? Ice cream?"
Daddy: "No a pasty. It was chicken tikka."
Mummy: "So you had a chicken tikka pasty. Not a chicken tikka Cornish. Cornish is a type of pasty, not another name for pasty." *rolls eyes....yet again*
Edit: Daddy calls all pasties Cornishes at all times. When the butty van comes to work he frequently says "hmm do I want a Cornish?"
"I don't like Crispy Creme. It's like a f-in German f-in hybrid f-in doughnut type thing."
"Cup of tea? I think we'll all participate."
Mummy; "Why has there been a melon and a bag of oranges on the table for the last 2 days?"
Daddy: "I might make fruit salad at the weekend. Bryn do you like fruit salad?"
Bryn: "Well yeah but isn't there supposed to be a bit more of a selection in a fruit salad?"
Daddy: "Melon. Oranges. That is a selection."
Mummy comes in from shopping and starts dragging all the shopping bags in herself while everyone else sits around playing computer games.
Mummy: "Don't mind me, I'm just Little Red Hen."
Daddy: "Who?"
Tom: "Who?"
Bryn: "Who?"
Mummy: "Grrr."
Daddy: "Do you need some help?"
Mummy: "Not yet, I'll let you know when it needs eating."
"I don't like to order steak in a restaurant. It's very rare to find a good one. If you have a bad steak you may as well be in an air crash and start eating the other passengers."
Daddy walks in to the room with a cup of tea:
Mummy: "I didn't want one anyway."
Daddy: "I just asked you and you said no,"
Mummy: "That never happened."
Daddy: "It did. I said 'I'm making a cup of tea, do you want one?'"
Mummy: "If I don't reply it means I didn't hear you, it's not an automatic no."
Daddy: *big sigh, gets up to go in the kitchen* "Do you want one then?"
Mummy: "No. I said I didn't. I just want to be asked."
Daddy (on phone): "Making nylon is like making a souffle."
Mummy: "What the ****?
Colleague: "Shush I want to see where he's going with this."
Daddy: "You cook it on a really low heat for 24 hours then let it cool."
Colleague: "That's not how they make it on Come Dine With Me."
Mummy: "He's thinking of pavlova."
Just offered me a Cadbury's Creme Egg. Not a creme egg. A Cadbury's Creme Egg. Also I haven't eaten chocolate in 12 years. Also they were the creme eggs I bought for the children.
Daddy on the news.
"Kim Kardashian? Is she Bernie Ecclestone's daughter?"
On Rolf Harris being arrested:
"HEY NO! I'm not having that. SHUT UP! He only raped one person and she wasn't even a child."
On Iraq:
Daddy: "And then we all sat down to watch them bomb Baghdad live on TV."
Mummy: "Did we? I never. That's not my idea of entertainment. Was this during the second world war?
Daddy: "No, it was about ten years ago."
On a news story about a car catching fire in the lion enclosure at a safari park:
Matt: "What would you do? Stay in the car or get out?"
Daddy: "Get out and face the lions. If you stay in the car you will burn to death."
Mummy: "But if you get out the lions might eat you."
Daddy: "And they might not. If they come near me I will poke them in the eye with a stick."
On the missing plane on the news:
"Maybe the pilot was a bit doolally tap. It'll all come out in't water haha."
Attempting to repeat a story he heard on the news:
Daddy: "And then the man shot....mumble mumble."
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "I can't be bothered."
Mummy: "Imagine you doing the bedtime story on CBeebies? Once upon a time oh I can't be arsed with this shit. Get to bed children."
On Rolf Harris being arrested:
"HEY NO! I'm not having that. SHUT UP! He only raped one person and she wasn't even a child."
On Iraq:
Daddy: "And then we all sat down to watch them bomb Baghdad live on TV."
Mummy: "Did we? I never. That's not my idea of entertainment. Was this during the second world war?
Daddy: "No, it was about ten years ago."
On a news story about a car catching fire in the lion enclosure at a safari park:
Matt: "What would you do? Stay in the car or get out?"
Daddy: "Get out and face the lions. If you stay in the car you will burn to death."
Mummy: "But if you get out the lions might eat you."
Daddy: "And they might not. If they come near me I will poke them in the eye with a stick."
On the missing plane on the news:
"Maybe the pilot was a bit doolally tap. It'll all come out in't water haha."
Attempting to repeat a story he heard on the news:
Daddy: "And then the man shot....mumble mumble."
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "I can't be bothered."
Mummy: "Imagine you doing the bedtime story on CBeebies? Once upon a time oh I can't be arsed with this shit. Get to bed children."
Daddy on geography.
"Where are you sort of based? Are you sort of in Bristol?"
"I need to phone America." Hello hello is that America?
"That's an oxymoron. The sun is shining in Manchester? Square pegs don't go into round holes."
"And then the Indians would say 'oh ja'."
"Heath Row Airport."
"Down the hill is what we call Caldicot Castle."
"Dubai never struck me as an interesting place. It's all sand and getting pissed."
Daddy has just changed the name of the town Norwich to Norridge. All residents must please use the new name at all times.
In a pretend American accent: "I'm going to catch a quick comfort call." (going to the toilet, apparently). He also says, "I'm going to catch myself a beer." As that is what they say in America (apparently).
On minihuman doing an impression of a Welsh person:
Daddy: "Don't be so rude."
Minihuman: "Don't take it personally. You're not Welsh."
Daddy: "Don't be rude to your hosts."
Attempting to speak French (or maybe some other comedy language?):
Pipe - Le Peep
Water - Le Wattah
The butty van is here - Le Butteh van est hee-yuhh
Daddy: "When you buy something from the continent you have to watch out for import duty."
Mummy: "I know but this was from South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "No, South Africa."
Daddy: "I know. The continent."
Mummy: "You do know the continent refers only to the continent you are on? i.e. Europe."
Daddy: "No it doesn't. It means everywhere other than Europe."
Mummy: "Don't be ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense."
Daddy: "Of course it does. Doesn't it? (Looking round at various other people, all of who immediately run out of the room)
On a crowded bus and very loudly:
"Up that hill there is Clifton Suspension Bridge."
Does Nazi salute.
"He was Italian AND he came from Italy."
When Daddy is going somewhere the entire town becomes the event. For example he is going to a training course in Wilmslow next week. This event is referred to at all times as Wilmslow, not the course. "I need to pack for Wilmslow."
"I need to phone America." Hello hello is that America?
"That's an oxymoron. The sun is shining in Manchester? Square pegs don't go into round holes."
"And then the Indians would say 'oh ja'."
"Heath Row Airport."
"Down the hill is what we call Caldicot Castle."
"Dubai never struck me as an interesting place. It's all sand and getting pissed."
Daddy has just changed the name of the town Norwich to Norridge. All residents must please use the new name at all times.
In a pretend American accent: "I'm going to catch a quick comfort call." (going to the toilet, apparently). He also says, "I'm going to catch myself a beer." As that is what they say in America (apparently).
On minihuman doing an impression of a Welsh person:
Daddy: "Don't be so rude."
Minihuman: "Don't take it personally. You're not Welsh."
Daddy: "Don't be rude to your hosts."
Attempting to speak French (or maybe some other comedy language?):
Pipe - Le Peep
Water - Le Wattah
The butty van is here - Le Butteh van est hee-yuhh
Daddy: "When you buy something from the continent you have to watch out for import duty."
Mummy: "I know but this was from South Africa."
Daddy: "Yes. The continent."
Mummy: "No, South Africa."
Daddy: "I know. The continent."
Mummy: "You do know the continent refers only to the continent you are on? i.e. Europe."
Daddy: "No it doesn't. It means everywhere other than Europe."
Mummy: "Don't be ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense."
Daddy: "Of course it does. Doesn't it? (Looking round at various other people, all of who immediately run out of the room)
On a crowded bus and very loudly:
"Up that hill there is Clifton Suspension Bridge."
Does Nazi salute.
"He was Italian AND he came from Italy."
When Daddy is going somewhere the entire town becomes the event. For example he is going to a training course in Wilmslow next week. This event is referred to at all times as Wilmslow, not the course. "I need to pack for Wilmslow."
Daddy maths.
After filling in his council tax form so wrong the lady from the council phoned up to find out which of three people he was:
"These council people are totally incompetent."
"Do you know what a semi circle is?"
"Two metre by one metre by black millimetres."
"I'm not arguing with the scales at an airport but it's not right...it ain't right...mathematically it's not right...scientifically it's not right...I'm right. HA."
Mummy getting her cash tin ready for a car boot sale:
Mummy: "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty..."
Daddy: "Are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "Shush."
Daddy: (whispering)"Sorry, are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "You prat. I have to start again now."
"Nine out of eight times."
Daddy: "It counts down: 29, 30, 31, 32."
Mummy: "That's up not down."
Daddy: *just glares*
"Ten odd thousand."
"That was in the year 011."
"I'm 99.7% certain." That's very specific isn't it.
"Minimum requirement should be at least one whole person in the warehouse at any one time."
"There's a 60:60 chance."
"Let's do it as a fraction, a vulgar fraction, a fraction, not a vulgar fraction, a fraction." (all in the same sentence without a break)
"That will be £19.14. What a date. 1815. There's another date. The French revolution."
"99 times out of 10 it's OK."
"These council people are totally incompetent."
"Do you know what a semi circle is?"
"Two metre by one metre by black millimetres."
"I'm not arguing with the scales at an airport but it's not right...it ain't right...mathematically it's not right...scientifically it's not right...I'm right. HA."
Mummy getting her cash tin ready for a car boot sale:
Mummy: "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty..."
Daddy: "Are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "Shush."
Daddy: (whispering)"Sorry, are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "You prat. I have to start again now."
"Nine out of eight times."
Daddy: "It counts down: 29, 30, 31, 32."
Mummy: "That's up not down."
Daddy: *just glares*
"Ten odd thousand."
"That was in the year 011."
"I'm 99.7% certain." That's very specific isn't it.
"Minimum requirement should be at least one whole person in the warehouse at any one time."
"There's a 60:60 chance."
"Let's do it as a fraction, a vulgar fraction, a fraction, not a vulgar fraction, a fraction." (all in the same sentence without a break)
"That will be £19.14. What a date. 1815. There's another date. The French revolution."
"99 times out of 10 it's OK."
Daddy on transport.
On the binmen going on strike:
"The council better not think they can get away with not collecting the bin. It's full of shoe. I nearly said shit and changed it to poo."
"I'm going to phone the council tomorrow and ask if they are coming on Saturday and if they say no I will demand a refund on my council tax."
"Just like London buses, I have another enquiry."
"It's not completely round. You wouldn't put it on your car. It's more like the Flintstones car. Was that stone? Or was that the Anthill mob?"
On booking a flight from Bristol to Glasgow:
Mummy: "Are you really paying extra to book a seat for an hour long flight?"
Daddy: "I've never been on a flight yet where I haven't had a pre booked seat."
Mummy: "But you're flying alone. It doesn't matter where you sit."
Daddy: "I don't want to be sat next to just anyone."
Mummy: "They don't send you photos of the other passengers to choose from you know."
Talking to the AA about taking his car to the garage:
"It's far too technologically advanced for you to be trying to fix it."
"It's £18 grands worth of car. I'm not having it left on an industrial estate, they gypsies will take it."
Daddy: "I would like an Astin Martin."
Mummy: "You can't have an Aston Martin until you can say it properly."
Daddy: "Aston Martin? It's Astin Martin."
Mummy: "Course it is."
"He's in a prime place to walk. All he needs is a couple of wellies."
"It's a nice car. I wouldn't throw it out of bed."
Daddy: "I bet he's loving the bikelution."
Mummy: "The whatolution?"
Daddy: "You know, everybody taking up cycling."
Mummy: "No, you can't just make up words."
Mummy: "Every time I get in this car there are receipts on the passenger seat."
Daddy: "Yeah well. That's because I'm spending so much money on this house."
Mummy (reading): "Chickem Tikka, bananas, strawberry trifle. Hmmm."
"He said they would deliver between eight and six. I mean who's still in work at six? Apart from me, obviously."
Mummy: "Why don't you park in the corner?"
Daddy: "I can't. It's got hatchings in it."
Mummy: "Stop taking everything so bloody literally."
"Trying to get TNT to deliver to the right address is like trying to steer the Titanic away from an iceberg."
On the phone to a courier company:
"I would have thought you'd have lots of little Postman Pat vans."
Then proceeds to tell them how they should fill their fleet with 'little Postman Pat vans'.
"He had a van the size of Postman Pat."
"It's like the quality of a Ferrari compared to a Mondeo. No offence if you drive a Mondeo. You might drive a Ferrari. You might say 'I'm a Ferrari man.' Ha ha ha."
"It's a car isn't it. Depreciates like a stone."
"What's your postcode and I'll put it in the sat and av."
Daddy calls articulated lorries "Arctics. We tell him that's not what they're called but he doesn't care:
Daddy: "I hope they don't try and deliver the tiles in an arctic."
Mummy: "Me too. They will slip on the ice."
Daddy: "Can you imagine sinking a war ship these days? It wouldn't go down very well."
Mummy: "Why not? Are they made out of rubber?"
Daddy: "This hill is no good for my engine. Especially an unlubricated hill."
Mummy: "If it was a lubricated hill you'd never get up it anyway."
Daddy: "I said unlubricated engine."
Mummy: "No you never."
Daddy launches into ten minute monologue about how engines work. Nobody listens.
Daddy: "The last time we went abroad we got to the airport nice and early."
Matt: "How early?"
Daddy: "7am."
Matt: "What time was your flight?"
Daddy: "I can't remember. About 10.30."
Mummy: "No it wasn't. It was 2pm. We got to the airport SEVEN hours early."
Daddy: "At least we didn't miss our flight."
Trying to make small talk with a lady:
"Vauxhall have brought out a new Viva so I hear."
On why he spent £17.000 on a new car that's identical to his old car:
"Well the other day I had to spend £100 on it and I thought, that's it. It's going to start costing me now."
"I was looking on Ebay and you can buy a plane for 25K."
"The council better not think they can get away with not collecting the bin. It's full of shoe. I nearly said shit and changed it to poo."
"I'm going to phone the council tomorrow and ask if they are coming on Saturday and if they say no I will demand a refund on my council tax."
"Just like London buses, I have another enquiry."
"It's not completely round. You wouldn't put it on your car. It's more like the Flintstones car. Was that stone? Or was that the Anthill mob?"
On booking a flight from Bristol to Glasgow:
Mummy: "Are you really paying extra to book a seat for an hour long flight?"
Daddy: "I've never been on a flight yet where I haven't had a pre booked seat."
Mummy: "But you're flying alone. It doesn't matter where you sit."
Daddy: "I don't want to be sat next to just anyone."
Mummy: "They don't send you photos of the other passengers to choose from you know."
Talking to the AA about taking his car to the garage:
"It's far too technologically advanced for you to be trying to fix it."
"It's £18 grands worth of car. I'm not having it left on an industrial estate, they gypsies will take it."
Daddy: "I would like an Astin Martin."
Mummy: "You can't have an Aston Martin until you can say it properly."
Daddy: "Aston Martin? It's Astin Martin."
Mummy: "Course it is."
"He's in a prime place to walk. All he needs is a couple of wellies."
"It's a nice car. I wouldn't throw it out of bed."
Daddy: "I bet he's loving the bikelution."
Mummy: "The whatolution?"
Daddy: "You know, everybody taking up cycling."
Mummy: "No, you can't just make up words."
Mummy: "Every time I get in this car there are receipts on the passenger seat."
Daddy: "Yeah well. That's because I'm spending so much money on this house."
Mummy (reading): "Chickem Tikka, bananas, strawberry trifle. Hmmm."
"He said they would deliver between eight and six. I mean who's still in work at six? Apart from me, obviously."
Mummy: "Why don't you park in the corner?"
Daddy: "I can't. It's got hatchings in it."
Mummy: "Stop taking everything so bloody literally."
"Trying to get TNT to deliver to the right address is like trying to steer the Titanic away from an iceberg."
On the phone to a courier company:
"I would have thought you'd have lots of little Postman Pat vans."
Then proceeds to tell them how they should fill their fleet with 'little Postman Pat vans'.
"He had a van the size of Postman Pat."
"It's like the quality of a Ferrari compared to a Mondeo. No offence if you drive a Mondeo. You might drive a Ferrari. You might say 'I'm a Ferrari man.' Ha ha ha."
"It's a car isn't it. Depreciates like a stone."
"What's your postcode and I'll put it in the sat and av."
Daddy calls articulated lorries "Arctics. We tell him that's not what they're called but he doesn't care:
Daddy: "I hope they don't try and deliver the tiles in an arctic."
Mummy: "Me too. They will slip on the ice."
Daddy: "Can you imagine sinking a war ship these days? It wouldn't go down very well."
Mummy: "Why not? Are they made out of rubber?"
Daddy: "This hill is no good for my engine. Especially an unlubricated hill."
Mummy: "If it was a lubricated hill you'd never get up it anyway."
Daddy: "I said unlubricated engine."
Mummy: "No you never."
Daddy launches into ten minute monologue about how engines work. Nobody listens.
Daddy: "The last time we went abroad we got to the airport nice and early."
Matt: "How early?"
Daddy: "7am."
Matt: "What time was your flight?"
Daddy: "I can't remember. About 10.30."
Mummy: "No it wasn't. It was 2pm. We got to the airport SEVEN hours early."
Daddy: "At least we didn't miss our flight."
Trying to make small talk with a lady:
"Vauxhall have brought out a new Viva so I hear."
On why he spent £17.000 on a new car that's identical to his old car:
"Well the other day I had to spend £100 on it and I thought, that's it. It's going to start costing me now."
"I was looking on Ebay and you can buy a plane for 25K."
Come again?
"Ba-ba-ba-yeah-no."
"Maybe maybe maybe maybe yes no."
"No no no no no no."
"Anyway, anyway, I, I, I, err, err, I, hahahaha, HAHAHA."
"Okey pokes."
"You sound like you've got a sparkle in your step."
"What shade of red? Is it a sociable red?"
"It's OK. She's not desperado for them."
"I can smell Christmas."
"Donkeys yurrs."
"That's just a scratch in the ocean."
"They haven't got a clue to be quite frankly."
"We're really under the cosh. Big style."
"Sorry, I've got my cauliflower head on at the moment."
"I haven't been here since the last time I came here."
"I'll be like Zippy. And keep it zipped."
"They've got a whole ray of different descriptions."
"I think it's one of those dead in the duck things. Dead in the duck? What am I talking about? A dead duck in the water."
"I can't believe that. I think he's pulling you a fast one."
"Always play on the eye of caution."
"Hmm that's very obscurious."
"Another disaster on the hill."
"It's a pain in the arse to get to. It's right on the beaten track."
"If something happens we will be left carrying the baby...we will be left holding the can."
"It's going in an oven type freezer with obstacle objects on top."
"We are unindated."
"I'm a white elephant."
"There's a lot of Hayleys all around the same age and all those Hayleys have come into the moon...the moon, as in the moon."
"You might be able to. It's a gnats knacker away."
"That's because we're cleverer than them."
"It's like smashing a post it note from the edge."
"He might take to it like a duck without water."
"It's a bit of a mimefield."
"To all contents and purposes."
"If there are any incorrections that need doing it can do them."
Random person: "How are you?"
Daddy: "Not so problem, how are you?"
"That four fills the criteria."
"It's not quivalent. But it's similar."
"It can get a bit. It can get a bit. It can get a bit. You know."
"Don't give them a lifeline or they'll take a you know."
"It's completely fictitional."
"They've started to become quite important in regards to leatherage."
"You can send them one if you want so long as they've all got to be the same."
"That's likely to be problematical."
"It's not coming in on the dead of the crack of the day." WHAT?
"Forget that one. Ministry of confusion on that one."
"The police are letting on more than they are telling us."
"If it ain't working, don't fix it."
"He's a cheapskint."
"I don't know what you're insinduating."
"He's a bit green behind the ears."
"I'm singing from your stable."
"No. None. Not a dickie bow."
"That's about part of the course." I do believe you mean par for the course.
"Generally mainly mostly it's all the same."
"I'm sorry I can't dahlvulge that information."
"You've opened a can of proverbial worms."
"I want to start off from a decent playing field."
"I propose to put a proposal in."
"There he goes, sticking his size fives in."
"He was almost bawling his eyebrows out, almost, virtually."
"It's not exactly rocket surgery."
Mummy: "Why is there a set of ladders blocking the door?"
Daddy: "Oh we're all up in arms."
Mummy: "What about?"
Daddy: "What?"
Mummy: "What are you up in arms about?"
Daddy (looking very confused): "Nothing. We're just busy.
Mummy: *sigh* "OK."
"It's a case of throwing a pebble in the wind."
"We can do them if you need be."
"I can't make heads to tails what you're asking for."
"....theoretically speaking. Mind you we all know what Theo did."
"We've got aims. We're not just sailing like a boat in the wind. Just sailing round Cowes."
"He asked me, you know, more questions than he, sort of, answered. Do you know what I mean?"
OF COURSE NOT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?
"All the days have fused into one big blob."
"It depends on a number of facteria"
"We're losing money after fist."
"He's just come in holding his head in his forehead."
"He hasn't had time to swing a cat."
"I can't imagine them doing it. They're rationalising their bags same as everyone else."
"It's all jam tomorrow on the promise of."
"Sorry about that. I think some bollock is in order."
"They've got no real rockets up their backsides."
"It keeps the As and the Bs from the door."
"It devulted back to..." (defaulted?)
"...sticking his head above the pedestal."
"It won't be in nice glossy speak."
"I'll put it on my mass conglomerate list of enquiries."
"...the person who double U checked it."
Daddy: "Next time you're ordering it looks like 20mm is the new currency."
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "The hot potato."
Mummy: "What? If you're asking me to order some 20mm can you just get on with it?"
"I was just racking my eyes for it."
"I'm looking for a ball part figure."
"At least it clarifises it."
"If we were doing more there would be more of a robotic economies of scale."
"I thought he died a death."
"We might sell that. Divergify."
"That puts a completely different complexion on it."
"Whack it in. Bish Bosh."
"If the sun's shining and there's jam on everything."
"It all sounds a bit too roses in the sky."
"I wouldn't want to undercut them because the political alarm bells would ring from Big Ben."
"It's like trying to work on a pinhead."
"There's just 6 sheets left so I don't know if you want me to put my hat on those."
"They want it blue, so they can see it usually."
"It's a bit of a mindfield."
"you may be able to quash it in the bud."
"...more and less..."
"He doesn't know his arse from his tit."
"Someone's left with their trousers pulled down."
On policies he disagrees with:
"They're using the same size brush to paint lots of different pieces of wood."
"Unfortunately the medicine is killing the patient."
"When you're so close to the bone every little bump in the road affects the price."
"We do what we can within the realms of financial sensibility."
"He'll get his arse sued to him on a plate."
"They want their jam and to eat it."
"Today should have been called Theresa."
"If she thinks that she's living in dream cuckoo land."
Daddy: *sigh* "I've got to do a clamidia forecast."
Everyone: "A WHAT???"
Daddy: "A mid year forecast."
"Is it handlyable?"
"It's unachievable. The carrot's on a very long stick."
"We need someone to step up the plate, the meal. the thing."
"It might not go ahead so if you've booked a hotel make sure it's can-SILL-a-bull"
"We'll fight fire with fire now instead of the whole house burning down in a year's time."
"I'll keep you up-posted."
"Maybe maybe maybe maybe yes no."
"No no no no no no."
"Anyway, anyway, I, I, I, err, err, I, hahahaha, HAHAHA."
"Okey pokes."
"You sound like you've got a sparkle in your step."
"What shade of red? Is it a sociable red?"
"It's OK. She's not desperado for them."
"I can smell Christmas."
"Donkeys yurrs."
"That's just a scratch in the ocean."
"They haven't got a clue to be quite frankly."
"We're really under the cosh. Big style."
"Sorry, I've got my cauliflower head on at the moment."
"I haven't been here since the last time I came here."
"I'll be like Zippy. And keep it zipped."
"They've got a whole ray of different descriptions."
"I think it's one of those dead in the duck things. Dead in the duck? What am I talking about? A dead duck in the water."
"I can't believe that. I think he's pulling you a fast one."
"Always play on the eye of caution."
"Hmm that's very obscurious."
"Another disaster on the hill."
"It's a pain in the arse to get to. It's right on the beaten track."
"If something happens we will be left carrying the baby...we will be left holding the can."
"It's going in an oven type freezer with obstacle objects on top."
"We are unindated."
"I'm a white elephant."
"There's a lot of Hayleys all around the same age and all those Hayleys have come into the moon...the moon, as in the moon."
"You might be able to. It's a gnats knacker away."
"That's because we're cleverer than them."
"It's like smashing a post it note from the edge."
"He might take to it like a duck without water."
"It's a bit of a mimefield."
"To all contents and purposes."
"If there are any incorrections that need doing it can do them."
Random person: "How are you?"
Daddy: "Not so problem, how are you?"
"That four fills the criteria."
"It's not quivalent. But it's similar."
"It can get a bit. It can get a bit. It can get a bit. You know."
"Don't give them a lifeline or they'll take a you know."
"It's completely fictitional."
"They've started to become quite important in regards to leatherage."
"You can send them one if you want so long as they've all got to be the same."
"That's likely to be problematical."
"It's not coming in on the dead of the crack of the day." WHAT?
"Forget that one. Ministry of confusion on that one."
"The police are letting on more than they are telling us."
"If it ain't working, don't fix it."
"He's a cheapskint."
"I don't know what you're insinduating."
"He's a bit green behind the ears."
"I'm singing from your stable."
"No. None. Not a dickie bow."
"That's about part of the course." I do believe you mean par for the course.
"Generally mainly mostly it's all the same."
"I'm sorry I can't dahlvulge that information."
"You've opened a can of proverbial worms."
"I want to start off from a decent playing field."
"I propose to put a proposal in."
"There he goes, sticking his size fives in."
"He was almost bawling his eyebrows out, almost, virtually."
"It's not exactly rocket surgery."
Mummy: "Why is there a set of ladders blocking the door?"
Daddy: "Oh we're all up in arms."
Mummy: "What about?"
Daddy: "What?"
Mummy: "What are you up in arms about?"
Daddy (looking very confused): "Nothing. We're just busy.
Mummy: *sigh* "OK."
"It's a case of throwing a pebble in the wind."
"We can do them if you need be."
"I can't make heads to tails what you're asking for."
"....theoretically speaking. Mind you we all know what Theo did."
"We've got aims. We're not just sailing like a boat in the wind. Just sailing round Cowes."
"He asked me, you know, more questions than he, sort of, answered. Do you know what I mean?"
OF COURSE NOT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?
"All the days have fused into one big blob."
"It depends on a number of facteria"
"We're losing money after fist."
"He's just come in holding his head in his forehead."
"He hasn't had time to swing a cat."
"I can't imagine them doing it. They're rationalising their bags same as everyone else."
"It's all jam tomorrow on the promise of."
"Sorry about that. I think some bollock is in order."
"They've got no real rockets up their backsides."
"It keeps the As and the Bs from the door."
"It devulted back to..." (defaulted?)
"...sticking his head above the pedestal."
"It won't be in nice glossy speak."
"I'll put it on my mass conglomerate list of enquiries."
"...the person who double U checked it."
Daddy: "Next time you're ordering it looks like 20mm is the new currency."
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "The hot potato."
Mummy: "What? If you're asking me to order some 20mm can you just get on with it?"
"I was just racking my eyes for it."
"I'm looking for a ball part figure."
"At least it clarifises it."
"If we were doing more there would be more of a robotic economies of scale."
"I thought he died a death."
"We might sell that. Divergify."
"That puts a completely different complexion on it."
"Whack it in. Bish Bosh."
"If the sun's shining and there's jam on everything."
"It all sounds a bit too roses in the sky."
"I wouldn't want to undercut them because the political alarm bells would ring from Big Ben."
"It's like trying to work on a pinhead."
"There's just 6 sheets left so I don't know if you want me to put my hat on those."
"They want it blue, so they can see it usually."
"It's a bit of a mindfield."
"you may be able to quash it in the bud."
"...more and less..."
"He doesn't know his arse from his tit."
"Someone's left with their trousers pulled down."
On policies he disagrees with:
"They're using the same size brush to paint lots of different pieces of wood."
"Unfortunately the medicine is killing the patient."
"When you're so close to the bone every little bump in the road affects the price."
"We do what we can within the realms of financial sensibility."
"He'll get his arse sued to him on a plate."
"They want their jam and to eat it."
"Today should have been called Theresa."
"If she thinks that she's living in dream cuckoo land."
Daddy: *sigh* "I've got to do a clamidia forecast."
Everyone: "A WHAT???"
Daddy: "A mid year forecast."
"Is it handlyable?"
"It's unachievable. The carrot's on a very long stick."
"We need someone to step up the plate, the meal. the thing."
"It might not go ahead so if you've booked a hotel make sure it's can-SILL-a-bull"
"We'll fight fire with fire now instead of the whole house burning down in a year's time."
"I'll keep you up-posted."
Technically speaking.
On the phone: "Trim...Trim...no Trim...T R Y M. As in adjusting the wings on an aeroplane."
Daddy: "Multicoloured is multicoloured. You can see reds, yellows, greens, you know, colours. And black is predominantly..."
Mummy: "Black?"
"They self cleaned themselves clean."
"You could call it...if you really want to twist the envelope."
"It wasn't a big explosion. Just a thull dud."
"It's mega superior."
"Great. Brilliant. Fantastic. Excellent. Excellente."
"Do you have anything of anything?"
"This is dirt slow."
"It looks like an Aero. Sort of bubblified."
"I'll see if they've prequelly got any in stock."
"I very much doubt there will be damages but I very much suspect there will be."
"You can obviously probably definitely do that."
"It will indemnify any failure in the product."
"What shade of yellow are we talking about? Post it note yellow? Or straw? Or, you know, when you go to the toilet."
"We want the copies back with hard ink on them."
"Some are gloss and some are more matty."
"Two to three weeks is overcooking it probably."
"You very rarely get one that is accurate or right."
"Suddenly it becomes non standard, then suddenly it's there, then suddenly it's gone again, then suddenly it appears again."
Daddy just told an engineer what vacuum forming is. Talk about teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.
"It's been properly done properly. On a proper machine."
"It's like a fine wine this yellow nylon."
"Cutting it tends to alleviate some of the cost of carriage."
"Daddy: "It's a more sophisticated machine so it's going to need more sophisticated staff to use it."
Mummy: "Are you suggesting they should come to work wearing monacles and smoking jackets?"
"He's probably getting seduced by key words like phenolic or synthetic resin bonded laminate."
"Doing it like that means you are cutting the sheet in an unfriendly way."
"You could even write on it 'our batch number *blows raspberry*, manufacturers batch number *blows another raspberry*'"
"It's a proper machining job, by a machinist."
"That won't work at all. It's too stringily and cheesily."
Customer: "Is it suitable for under water?"
Daddy: "Well that depends. If it's 10 foot under yes. If it's miles and miles where there's fish that you've never seen before... who knows."
"It's a thermal insulator, just like your jumper insulates your body."
Daddy: "It's rigid. That means you can't bend it round a tree."
Mummy: "A tree? Did they want to bend it round a tree?"
Daddy: "No, but that's a common use."
"...we've only got one fork lift truck. The other one is up the duff."
PREGNANT??
Daddy: "Multicoloured is multicoloured. You can see reds, yellows, greens, you know, colours. And black is predominantly..."
Mummy: "Black?"
"They self cleaned themselves clean."
"You could call it...if you really want to twist the envelope."
"It wasn't a big explosion. Just a thull dud."
"It's mega superior."
"Great. Brilliant. Fantastic. Excellent. Excellente."
"Do you have anything of anything?"
"This is dirt slow."
"It looks like an Aero. Sort of bubblified."
"I'll see if they've prequelly got any in stock."
"I very much doubt there will be damages but I very much suspect there will be."
"You can obviously probably definitely do that."
"It will indemnify any failure in the product."
"What shade of yellow are we talking about? Post it note yellow? Or straw? Or, you know, when you go to the toilet."
"We want the copies back with hard ink on them."
"Some are gloss and some are more matty."
"Two to three weeks is overcooking it probably."
"You very rarely get one that is accurate or right."
"Suddenly it becomes non standard, then suddenly it's there, then suddenly it's gone again, then suddenly it appears again."
Daddy just told an engineer what vacuum forming is. Talk about teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.
"It's been properly done properly. On a proper machine."
"It's like a fine wine this yellow nylon."
"Cutting it tends to alleviate some of the cost of carriage."
"Daddy: "It's a more sophisticated machine so it's going to need more sophisticated staff to use it."
Mummy: "Are you suggesting they should come to work wearing monacles and smoking jackets?"
"He's probably getting seduced by key words like phenolic or synthetic resin bonded laminate."
"Doing it like that means you are cutting the sheet in an unfriendly way."
"You could even write on it 'our batch number *blows raspberry*, manufacturers batch number *blows another raspberry*'"
"It's a proper machining job, by a machinist."
"That won't work at all. It's too stringily and cheesily."
Customer: "Is it suitable for under water?"
Daddy: "Well that depends. If it's 10 foot under yes. If it's miles and miles where there's fish that you've never seen before... who knows."
"It's a thermal insulator, just like your jumper insulates your body."
Daddy: "It's rigid. That means you can't bend it round a tree."
Mummy: "A tree? Did they want to bend it round a tree?"
Daddy: "No, but that's a common use."
"...we've only got one fork lift truck. The other one is up the duff."
PREGNANT??
Thursday 23 October 2014
Daddy on music...
"It's not unusual to be nan nan nan nan nan nan nan de dum de dum de dum."
The lyrics to Dakota by the Stereophonics:
"And I feel dum de dum
and I feel dum de dum
de dum
de dum."
"I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 5000 miles to fall down at your door."
To the vague tune of "Back for Good" by Take That:
"Whatever it takes..."
*really awful whistling*
"Whatever it takes..."
*more awful whistling*
"Whatever it takes..."
*more awful whistling whilst kicking the bin*
"My grandma hum your grandma hum hum hum hum fire."
"I've been abu-uh-used of love in the first degree."
Daddy: "Tuesday always comes to late, it's Friday I'm in love."
Mummy: "What happened to Wednesday and Thursday?"
Daddy: "I chilled. Like Craig David."
For no reason whatsoever, to the tune of Agadoo and in an operatic style:
"To the left, to the right, dum de dum de dum de dum."
Right now Daddy is whistling the birdy song. Complete with actions. For no reason whatsoever.
"Have you tried twerting?" Then proceeds to do some bizarre dance thing,
Daddy hears a tune and sings it for the rest of the day. In fact it doesn't even have to be a tune, just a noise will do. Today he has two. Mainly he is singing the little jingle his phone makes when the battery is low. Also Spice up your life by the Spice Girls. Just that line, he doesn't know the rest. Yesterday it was someone's hold music.
On hearing the announcer say Kylie is on the One show:
"I don't like Kylie any more since she said she was supporting Rylan on X factor."
....Kylie comes on telly...
"Oh maybe I'll give her one more chance."
...on hearing her sing...
"Don't buy me her new album for Christmas will you. It looks s**t."
Mummy: "I thought you loved her?"
Daddy: "Oh god, not her music."
Daddy was listening to Radio One while he was decorating the spare room. As a result he's now an expert on dubstep and ladies eyebrows.
When Daddy listens to the radio or to music on the computer, he sits right next to the radio or computer and stares at it.
Mummy trying to pretend like going for lots of wees in the garden is exciting:
"Who's the bestest likkle girls in the whole wide worlds? Is it you? It is, it's you."
Daddy (muttering from the kitchen): "The Saturdays."
The lyrics to Sing by Ed Sheeran:
"woah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh BOING. woah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh WHOOP. Hello my name is Stewie."
Daddy has an entering the room jingle. We actually only realised this a few weeks ago but every time he enters a room or comes down the stairs he sings a little song to announce his presence.
On Holby City a couple are duetting in their car:
Mummy: "Why do you never sing with me in the car?"
Daddy: "Cos you always play Maximo Park and shit like that."
Mummy: "Do you want to rephrase that?"
Daddy: "I just try and block it out."
Daddy: "Hum hum hum hum in the pouring rain."
Mummy: "What did you do in the rain?"
Daddy: "I don't know. You have levels of recognition and that crap's not on level one. Know what I mean?"
Mummy: "No of course not."
"I'm crazy, crazy for being so crazy."
On why Muse are better than David Guetta:
"...a better execution of musical criteria."
Daddy: "Horse nuts roasting on an open fire..."
Mummy: "Bloody hell that's barbaric."
Daddy: "I need you to think about what you want the hold message to be and what kind of music."
Mummy: "No need. I know what I want. D desirable...."
Daddy: "Oh God."
Mummy: "...I irresistible. S so sexy. C such a cutie."
Daddy: "Oh oh oh."
Mummy: "I knew I would wear you down in the end."
The lyrics to Dakota by the Stereophonics:
"And I feel dum de dum
and I feel dum de dum
de dum
de dum."
"I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 5000 miles to fall down at your door."
To the vague tune of "Back for Good" by Take That:
"Whatever it takes..."
*really awful whistling*
"Whatever it takes..."
*more awful whistling*
"Whatever it takes..."
*more awful whistling whilst kicking the bin*
"My grandma hum your grandma hum hum hum hum fire."
"I've been abu-uh-used of love in the first degree."
Daddy: "Tuesday always comes to late, it's Friday I'm in love."
Mummy: "What happened to Wednesday and Thursday?"
Daddy: "I chilled. Like Craig David."
For no reason whatsoever, to the tune of Agadoo and in an operatic style:
"To the left, to the right, dum de dum de dum de dum."
Right now Daddy is whistling the birdy song. Complete with actions. For no reason whatsoever.
"Have you tried twerting?" Then proceeds to do some bizarre dance thing,
Daddy hears a tune and sings it for the rest of the day. In fact it doesn't even have to be a tune, just a noise will do. Today he has two. Mainly he is singing the little jingle his phone makes when the battery is low. Also Spice up your life by the Spice Girls. Just that line, he doesn't know the rest. Yesterday it was someone's hold music.
On hearing the announcer say Kylie is on the One show:
"I don't like Kylie any more since she said she was supporting Rylan on X factor."
....Kylie comes on telly...
"Oh maybe I'll give her one more chance."
...on hearing her sing...
"Don't buy me her new album for Christmas will you. It looks s**t."
Mummy: "I thought you loved her?"
Daddy: "Oh god, not her music."
Daddy was listening to Radio One while he was decorating the spare room. As a result he's now an expert on dubstep and ladies eyebrows.
When Daddy listens to the radio or to music on the computer, he sits right next to the radio or computer and stares at it.
Mummy trying to pretend like going for lots of wees in the garden is exciting:
"Who's the bestest likkle girls in the whole wide worlds? Is it you? It is, it's you."
Daddy (muttering from the kitchen): "The Saturdays."
The lyrics to Sing by Ed Sheeran:
"woah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh BOING. woah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh WHOOP. Hello my name is Stewie."
Daddy has an entering the room jingle. We actually only realised this a few weeks ago but every time he enters a room or comes down the stairs he sings a little song to announce his presence.
On Holby City a couple are duetting in their car:
Mummy: "Why do you never sing with me in the car?"
Daddy: "Cos you always play Maximo Park and shit like that."
Mummy: "Do you want to rephrase that?"
Daddy: "I just try and block it out."
Daddy: "Hum hum hum hum in the pouring rain."
Mummy: "What did you do in the rain?"
Daddy: "I don't know. You have levels of recognition and that crap's not on level one. Know what I mean?"
Mummy: "No of course not."
"I'm crazy, crazy for being so crazy."
On why Muse are better than David Guetta:
"...a better execution of musical criteria."
Daddy: "Horse nuts roasting on an open fire..."
Mummy: "Bloody hell that's barbaric."
Daddy: "I need you to think about what you want the hold message to be and what kind of music."
Mummy: "No need. I know what I want. D desirable...."
Daddy: "Oh God."
Mummy: "...I irresistible. S so sexy. C such a cutie."
Daddy: "Oh oh oh."
Mummy: "I knew I would wear you down in the end."
Daddy Wisdom...
"Kids today are unruly by nature. Give them a piece of string and they'll take a ball of string."
"Mistakes are littered through history. The book always falls down."
"To quote a phrase, it might turn out to be a bit Heath Robinson."
"If the horse won't go to Mohammed."
"They're in the lap of the gods of the post office."
"For quite a while and many moons..."
Actually just finished a sentence with the phrase "question mark."
"We're going to have to have a long hard sit down."
"The cards are in their hands. Until they shuffle the pack."
Daddy: "Squozen. It's the past tense of squeezed."
Tom: "No squeezed is the past tense of squeeze."
Daddy: "Squozen is the state of the item that has been squeezed. Squozen orange juice."
Mummy: "Why does it not say freshly squozen orange juice on bottles then?"
Daddy: "Because they are fresh. When they are not fresh they are squozen."
Mummy: "You are insane."
"Long time no speak, as they say, life goes on, as they say."
"They'll sing you a good song but you'll pay the price for it."
"You lose. You snooze."
Listening to a lady complain that she doesn't like being called a lady as it is demeaning:
Mummy: "I like it. I am a lady."
Daddy: "It's a throwback to all this women's lib crap from the 80s. You can't say anything now without offending someone. I don't like being called a man. It makes me sound like a beast."
Mummy: "From now on we will call you a chap then."
"Do you know why I'm so efficient? Cos I don't chatter for hours on end about nothing."
"Mistakes are littered through history. The book always falls down."
"To quote a phrase, it might turn out to be a bit Heath Robinson."
"If the horse won't go to Mohammed."
"They're in the lap of the gods of the post office."
"For quite a while and many moons..."
Actually just finished a sentence with the phrase "question mark."
"We're going to have to have a long hard sit down."
"The cards are in their hands. Until they shuffle the pack."
Daddy: "Squozen. It's the past tense of squeezed."
Tom: "No squeezed is the past tense of squeeze."
Daddy: "Squozen is the state of the item that has been squeezed. Squozen orange juice."
Mummy: "Why does it not say freshly squozen orange juice on bottles then?"
Daddy: "Because they are fresh. When they are not fresh they are squozen."
Mummy: "You are insane."
"Long time no speak, as they say, life goes on, as they say."
"They'll sing you a good song but you'll pay the price for it."
"You lose. You snooze."
Listening to a lady complain that she doesn't like being called a lady as it is demeaning:
Mummy: "I like it. I am a lady."
Daddy: "It's a throwback to all this women's lib crap from the 80s. You can't say anything now without offending someone. I don't like being called a man. It makes me sound like a beast."
Mummy: "From now on we will call you a chap then."
"Do you know why I'm so efficient? Cos I don't chatter for hours on end about nothing."
Daddy's word of the day...
ONEROUS
GENERIC
FACTOR (not X factor)
DRAMASTICALLY (Dramatically+drastically)
INHERENTLY
JOTTINGS
LUXURY (as in "lunch? That would be a luxury..."going to the toilet? That would be a luxury."
QUASH
QUANTIFIED
Phrase of the day:
That's above my pay grade.
Bounce back.
To the letter of the law.
Fudge one together..
Hassle factor.
Maybe 20 years ago.
I've got a sneaking suspicion.
With all due respect.
How long is a piece of string?
Storm in a teacup.
GENERIC
FACTOR (not X factor)
DRAMASTICALLY (Dramatically+drastically)
INHERENTLY
JOTTINGS
LUXURY (as in "lunch? That would be a luxury..."going to the toilet? That would be a luxury."
QUASH
QUANTIFIED
Phrase of the day:
That's above my pay grade.
Bounce back.
To the letter of the law.
Fudge one together..
Hassle factor.
Maybe 20 years ago.
I've got a sneaking suspicion.
With all due respect.
How long is a piece of string?
Storm in a teacup.
Daddy on Film and TV...
"As noticeable as James Mason. Whatever happened to him? He died I think."
Yes Johnny, about 30 years ago actually. Otherwise he'd be 114 years old.
This one's a joint effort I'm afraid:
Mummy: "Tommy Lee Vance off the radio?"
Daddy: "You're thinking of Tommy Lee Jones. Tommy Vance wasn't married to Pamela Anderson."
Minihuman 1: "Neither was Tommy Lee Jones. That was Tommy Lee."
Daddy is laughing his head off at something on the telly. Mummy comes down to see what hilarious comedy show he is watching...it's Match of the Day. This incident has also occurred frequently when watching the One Show, Eastenders and...wait for it...The News at Ten.
"Ooh it's so big. It's like a tardist."
"They are a quid each. Like Harry Potter."
Daddy: "Nick Nolte lives in a hotel in Bristol."
Mummy: "Do you mean Nick Knowles?"
"Why does nothink go right? It's like an episode of Minder."
Voiceover man on telly: "Many of these people have several decades more experience than him."
Daddy: "Blimey. Why are they not retired. They should be dead?"
Mummy: "What? That's only twenty or thirty years."
Daddy: "No. It's seventy years. Where do you think the sev comes from in several."
Mummy: "I give up."
On a trip to the cinema:
Daddy: "And then they both insisted on an icecream at a million pounds."
Mummy: "The trick to good exaggerating is to make it almost believable. Try again."
Daddy: "OK. Five hundred thousand pounds. Each."
You can always tell when there's a series of Top Gear running cos Daddy insists on talking like Jeremy Clarkson at all times. to a point where he doesn't even realise he's doing it.
Daddy's telling someone on the phone the entire "plot" of a really boring documentary he watched. It's like listening to Tolkien. Fascinating.
On somebody spilling tea on his desk:
Daddy: "This reminds me of that film."
Mummy: "You're going to have to be more specific."
Daddy: "That film. With Ben Sedler."
Mummy: "Nope. Still not with you."
Daddy: "When she had that stuff in her hair."
Mummy: "Something about Mary? Ben Stiller? Nobody spilled tea on that film."
Someone says to Daddy: "It's like Narnia here."
Daddy: "You're all sat around eating angel delight?"
"I'm melting" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. Don't remember him playing the Wicked Witch of the West. Must have been a remake.
Daddy to Minuhuman 3: "Have you seen that film my brother in law?"
Minihuman 3: "You mean Stepbrothers?"
Daddy to Mummy: "That reminds me of that film my stepbrother."
Mummy: "Oh my god. It's called Stepbrothers."
"I had an enquiry off someone in Denmark. That reminds me, I watched the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, in Swedish. It was brilliant. There were three of them."
Daddy invented the phrase "iplayer it". Apparently it means "watch it on BBC iplayer later."
Daddy: "Ah, like DIY SS?"
Mummy: "Is that where the Nazis redecorate your home?"
"Ooh did I hear you talking about ash die back?...No? Oh." Disappointed because this week he is mostly an expert on this subject on account of seeing a five minute segment on the One Show...last week it was bumble bees.
"Like Larry Grayson, I'm free. Not that I'm an aficionado or anything." Evidently not, considering that was not his catch phrase.
Daddy starts singing some inane tune.
Mummy: "What's that your singing?"
Daddy: "Terry and June. These two are like Terry and June."
Mummy: "Ah of course. A cultural reference we'll all get."
Daddy: "It wasn't for anyone's benefit but my own."
Mummy: "Keep it in your head then next time."
Daddy just watched Anchorman 2:
Daddy: "I thought that was a recent film but it must have been made a while ago cos Yasser Arafat is dead now."
Mummy: "What? But it's set in 1979. He was alive then?"
Daddy: "No it's not. It's in the modern day."
Mummy: "Are you trying to be funny?"
Daddy: "I didn't notice any period features. It was timeless."
Mummy: "I can't tell if you're serious or you're just trying to get a reaction. Did you not notice the whole theme of the film was 70s? The jokes about Margaret Thatcher and Olivia Newton John? The clothes? The hair? The music?"
Daddy: "The cars looked a bit old but the rest of it looked modern."
Mummy: "And that's why I have to buy all your clothes for you."
Girl on telly: "My ideal man; the clothes, the hair, the muscles, the tattoo, the tan..."
Daddy: "The job? The savings plan?"
On someone we know who got beaten up:
Daddy: "Ooh maybe it will be on Crimewatch. Did anybody see these chaps who beat up Steve?"
Mummy: "They are hardly likely to refer to a gang of Turkish thugs as chaps are they."
Colleague: "Have you seen Breaking Bad?"
Daddy: "No we haven't."
Mummy: "I watched the first three episodes but I didn't like it."
Daddy: "WHEN DID YOU WATCH IT?"
Mummy: "God. OK. I've never seen it. Happy now?"
Daddy: "You're the only person to have something bad to say about it."
Mummy: "Blimey. I've never seen it but it looks amazing."
Daddy: "Ohhhh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhh."
Mummy: "What are you doing now?"
Daddy: "It's the music off Ferris Brewster's day off."
Mummy: "Never heard of it."
Colleague: "I didn't like Batman V Superman."
Mummy: "That's cos you're not 6."
Daddy: "Ah well the thing is..."
The phone rings. Colleague answers it. Daddy decides to tell Mummy his theory instead...
Daddy: "....Batman is a superhero who...blah blah have no idea what he said next cos she wasn't listening... so anyway..."
Mummy: "Please stop talking."
"...just like that dinosaur off Lord of the Rings."
Daddy; "Would you like to watch Call of Duty?"
Mummy: "Would I like to watch you play Call of Duty?"
Daddy: "What? No. Would you like to watch Line of Duty?"
Mummy: "No thanks. I'm going for a bath."
Daddy: "Oh but you will love it. It's a Sunday night drama that's on every night."
Mummy: "I haven't got time to watch something that's on every night."
Daddy: *crossly*"I never said that. I don't understand why you don't want to watch it. You would like it."
Mummy: "There's no need to cry. You didn't write the bloody thing."
Daddy: "I just don't understand." *wanders off sadly*
Yes Johnny, about 30 years ago actually. Otherwise he'd be 114 years old.
This one's a joint effort I'm afraid:
Mummy: "Tommy Lee Vance off the radio?"
Daddy: "You're thinking of Tommy Lee Jones. Tommy Vance wasn't married to Pamela Anderson."
Minihuman 1: "Neither was Tommy Lee Jones. That was Tommy Lee."
Daddy is laughing his head off at something on the telly. Mummy comes down to see what hilarious comedy show he is watching...it's Match of the Day. This incident has also occurred frequently when watching the One Show, Eastenders and...wait for it...The News at Ten.
"Ooh it's so big. It's like a tardist."
"They are a quid each. Like Harry Potter."
Daddy: "Nick Nolte lives in a hotel in Bristol."
Mummy: "Do you mean Nick Knowles?"
"Why does nothink go right? It's like an episode of Minder."
Voiceover man on telly: "Many of these people have several decades more experience than him."
Daddy: "Blimey. Why are they not retired. They should be dead?"
Mummy: "What? That's only twenty or thirty years."
Daddy: "No. It's seventy years. Where do you think the sev comes from in several."
Mummy: "I give up."
On a trip to the cinema:
Daddy: "And then they both insisted on an icecream at a million pounds."
Mummy: "The trick to good exaggerating is to make it almost believable. Try again."
Daddy: "OK. Five hundred thousand pounds. Each."
You can always tell when there's a series of Top Gear running cos Daddy insists on talking like Jeremy Clarkson at all times. to a point where he doesn't even realise he's doing it.
Daddy's telling someone on the phone the entire "plot" of a really boring documentary he watched. It's like listening to Tolkien. Fascinating.
On somebody spilling tea on his desk:
Daddy: "This reminds me of that film."
Mummy: "You're going to have to be more specific."
Daddy: "That film. With Ben Sedler."
Mummy: "Nope. Still not with you."
Daddy: "When she had that stuff in her hair."
Mummy: "Something about Mary? Ben Stiller? Nobody spilled tea on that film."
Someone says to Daddy: "It's like Narnia here."
Daddy: "You're all sat around eating angel delight?"
"I'm melting" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. Don't remember him playing the Wicked Witch of the West. Must have been a remake.
Daddy to Minuhuman 3: "Have you seen that film my brother in law?"
Minihuman 3: "You mean Stepbrothers?"
Daddy to Mummy: "That reminds me of that film my stepbrother."
Mummy: "Oh my god. It's called Stepbrothers."
"I had an enquiry off someone in Denmark. That reminds me, I watched the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, in Swedish. It was brilliant. There were three of them."
Daddy invented the phrase "iplayer it". Apparently it means "watch it on BBC iplayer later."
Daddy: "Ah, like DIY SS?"
Mummy: "Is that where the Nazis redecorate your home?"
"Ooh did I hear you talking about ash die back?...No? Oh." Disappointed because this week he is mostly an expert on this subject on account of seeing a five minute segment on the One Show...last week it was bumble bees.
"Like Larry Grayson, I'm free. Not that I'm an aficionado or anything." Evidently not, considering that was not his catch phrase.
Daddy starts singing some inane tune.
Mummy: "What's that your singing?"
Daddy: "Terry and June. These two are like Terry and June."
Mummy: "Ah of course. A cultural reference we'll all get."
Daddy: "It wasn't for anyone's benefit but my own."
Mummy: "Keep it in your head then next time."
Daddy just watched Anchorman 2:
Daddy: "I thought that was a recent film but it must have been made a while ago cos Yasser Arafat is dead now."
Mummy: "What? But it's set in 1979. He was alive then?"
Daddy: "No it's not. It's in the modern day."
Mummy: "Are you trying to be funny?"
Daddy: "I didn't notice any period features. It was timeless."
Mummy: "I can't tell if you're serious or you're just trying to get a reaction. Did you not notice the whole theme of the film was 70s? The jokes about Margaret Thatcher and Olivia Newton John? The clothes? The hair? The music?"
Daddy: "The cars looked a bit old but the rest of it looked modern."
Mummy: "And that's why I have to buy all your clothes for you."
Girl on telly: "My ideal man; the clothes, the hair, the muscles, the tattoo, the tan..."
Daddy: "The job? The savings plan?"
On someone we know who got beaten up:
Daddy: "Ooh maybe it will be on Crimewatch. Did anybody see these chaps who beat up Steve?"
Mummy: "They are hardly likely to refer to a gang of Turkish thugs as chaps are they."
Colleague: "Have you seen Breaking Bad?"
Daddy: "No we haven't."
Mummy: "I watched the first three episodes but I didn't like it."
Daddy: "WHEN DID YOU WATCH IT?"
Mummy: "God. OK. I've never seen it. Happy now?"
Daddy: "You're the only person to have something bad to say about it."
Mummy: "Blimey. I've never seen it but it looks amazing."
Daddy: "Ohhhh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhh."
Mummy: "What are you doing now?"
Daddy: "It's the music off Ferris Brewster's day off."
Mummy: "Never heard of it."
Colleague: "I didn't like Batman V Superman."
Mummy: "That's cos you're not 6."
Daddy: "Ah well the thing is..."
The phone rings. Colleague answers it. Daddy decides to tell Mummy his theory instead...
Daddy: "....Batman is a superhero who...blah blah have no idea what he said next cos she wasn't listening... so anyway..."
Mummy: "Please stop talking."
"...just like that dinosaur off Lord of the Rings."
Daddy; "Would you like to watch Call of Duty?"
Mummy: "Would I like to watch you play Call of Duty?"
Daddy: "What? No. Would you like to watch Line of Duty?"
Mummy: "No thanks. I'm going for a bath."
Daddy: "Oh but you will love it. It's a Sunday night drama that's on every night."
Mummy: "I haven't got time to watch something that's on every night."
Daddy: *crossly*"I never said that. I don't understand why you don't want to watch it. You would like it."
Mummy: "There's no need to cry. You didn't write the bloody thing."
Daddy: "I just don't understand." *wanders off sadly*
Daddy on health, beauty and fashion...
Mummy: "Are you coming to the fun day on Saturday?"
Daddy: "Yeah OK. No wait. What day is it on Saturday?"
Mummy: "Saturday."
Daddy: "Oh no. I'm getting my hair cut."
Mummy: "Change your appointment then."
Daddy: "I haven't made one yet."
Describing being tired: "Oh, I've suddenly hit a cliff." *yawns dramatically*
When Daddy stretches he does one of two things; he either shouts, "YABBA DABBA DOO", or he goes "RRRRROOOOAAAARRRR."
Mummy: "Do you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"
Daddy: "Yeah, I was looking in the mirror earlier and I thought no wonder everyone is looking at me funny."
Mummy: "They're probably looking at you funny cos you know you've got paint on your ear but you haven't even attempted to wipe it off."
Daddy: "I haven't got time for that. I'm far too busy."
Five minutes later...
Colleague: "Did you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"
On his hayfever: "This rape is murder."
We think Daddy is having a midlife crisis. He keeps describing things as "awesome" or sometimes even "awesome to the max" and also uses the phrase "big style" far too much. Also referring to friends, especially female friends, as "mates". This is not acceptable when you are 49 years old.
Daddy: "Something's irritating in this room." Then he makes this horrible noise like this IIICCCCCCHHHHHHHHIIIIIIICCCCHHHH.
Mummy: "Yes, it's you."
Person: "She said she was pregnant but she was full of shit."
Mummy: "So she just needed a big poo?"
Daddy: "She needed an anemone."
Mummy: "Yes. Like Nemo."
"I'm falling to sleep."
To a lady on the phone telling him, in passing, that she's going to get her eyebrows done:
"Have you noticed how everybody on telly these days looks like they drew their eyebrows on with a sharpie?"
"I like a nice long soak from time to time."
Mummy: "Why are you out in public in your PE trainers?"
Daddy: "I need to get some new sociable trainers."
Mummy: "Some new whattable whats?"
Daddy: "For social occasions."
Mummy: "Oh to wear with your going down the pub jogging pants. I can't think of a single social situation that would involve me needing to wear trainers."
"We don't say midget anymore. We say primeval dwarf."
"It sounds like you are in a hospital bed."
Daddy is very careful when he goes swimming not to get water in his ear as he doesn't want to get an ear infection. However he thinks nothing of spending an entire twenty minute phone conversation with one very dirty finger poked as far into his ear as he can, on account of blocking out background noise apparently.
On coughing: "I suddenly had a weird coughing fit. Like someone was roasting peppers on an oven. Like mustard gas. Very strange."
Daddy: "...and her mother used to have stick on eyebrows."
Mummy: "Stick on eyebrows? Like masking tape?"
Daddy: "No, like spiders."
Mummy: "Spiders? You mean eyelashes don't you."
Daddy: "Hmmm maybe I do."
Daddy: "I need a haircut. Big style."
Mummy: "A beehive is a pretty big style. Or a flat top like Vanilla Ice."
Mummy: "How did he die?"
Daddy: "He ran a pub so it was probably alcohol related."
Mummy: "I run a Basset rescue but I don't plan to die of something Basset related."
Daddy: "You will. You'll die of bloat."
Mummy looks down at her empty plate as everyone else is still on their first mouthful and realises he's probably right this time.
Katie: "Oh my god. This jacket makes every outfit look awful."
Daddy: "Welcome to my jacket. And my trousers."
Katie: "Welcome to my trousers?"
To colleague worrying cos his wife's waters are leaking:
"It's like central heating. Eventually the system will run out and will need maintenance."
Mummy's been seeing the same dental hygienist for the last 17 years. In all that time these are the only facts Mummy could tell you about her:
1. She is called Eleanor.
2. She is foreign.
Daddy went to see her once cos his usual hygienist was on holiday and came out with her entire life story and calling her Ellie. He said they were "chatting". Mummy said how is this even possible when you have your mouth wide open, the nearest she comes to having a conversation in the dentist is "aaaahh nohhh thwat nwot hwurt."
Daddy: "Yeah OK. No wait. What day is it on Saturday?"
Mummy: "Saturday."
Daddy: "Oh no. I'm getting my hair cut."
Mummy: "Change your appointment then."
Daddy: "I haven't made one yet."
Describing being tired: "Oh, I've suddenly hit a cliff." *yawns dramatically*
When Daddy stretches he does one of two things; he either shouts, "YABBA DABBA DOO", or he goes "RRRRROOOOAAAARRRR."
Mummy: "Do you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"
Daddy: "Yeah, I was looking in the mirror earlier and I thought no wonder everyone is looking at me funny."
Mummy: "They're probably looking at you funny cos you know you've got paint on your ear but you haven't even attempted to wipe it off."
Daddy: "I haven't got time for that. I'm far too busy."
Five minutes later...
Colleague: "Did you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"
On his hayfever: "This rape is murder."
We think Daddy is having a midlife crisis. He keeps describing things as "awesome" or sometimes even "awesome to the max" and also uses the phrase "big style" far too much. Also referring to friends, especially female friends, as "mates". This is not acceptable when you are 49 years old.
Daddy: "Something's irritating in this room." Then he makes this horrible noise like this IIICCCCCCHHHHHHHHIIIIIIICCCCHHHH.
Mummy: "Yes, it's you."
Person: "She said she was pregnant but she was full of shit."
Mummy: "So she just needed a big poo?"
Daddy: "She needed an anemone."
Mummy: "Yes. Like Nemo."
"I'm falling to sleep."
To a lady on the phone telling him, in passing, that she's going to get her eyebrows done:
"Have you noticed how everybody on telly these days looks like they drew their eyebrows on with a sharpie?"
"I like a nice long soak from time to time."
Mummy: "Why are you out in public in your PE trainers?"
Daddy: "I need to get some new sociable trainers."
Mummy: "Some new whattable whats?"
Daddy: "For social occasions."
Mummy: "Oh to wear with your going down the pub jogging pants. I can't think of a single social situation that would involve me needing to wear trainers."
"We don't say midget anymore. We say primeval dwarf."
"It sounds like you are in a hospital bed."
Daddy is very careful when he goes swimming not to get water in his ear as he doesn't want to get an ear infection. However he thinks nothing of spending an entire twenty minute phone conversation with one very dirty finger poked as far into his ear as he can, on account of blocking out background noise apparently.
On coughing: "I suddenly had a weird coughing fit. Like someone was roasting peppers on an oven. Like mustard gas. Very strange."
Daddy: "...and her mother used to have stick on eyebrows."
Mummy: "Stick on eyebrows? Like masking tape?"
Daddy: "No, like spiders."
Mummy: "Spiders? You mean eyelashes don't you."
Daddy: "Hmmm maybe I do."
Daddy: "I need a haircut. Big style."
Mummy: "A beehive is a pretty big style. Or a flat top like Vanilla Ice."
Mummy: "How did he die?"
Daddy: "He ran a pub so it was probably alcohol related."
Mummy: "I run a Basset rescue but I don't plan to die of something Basset related."
Daddy: "You will. You'll die of bloat."
Mummy looks down at her empty plate as everyone else is still on their first mouthful and realises he's probably right this time.
Katie: "Oh my god. This jacket makes every outfit look awful."
Daddy: "Welcome to my jacket. And my trousers."
Katie: "Welcome to my trousers?"
To colleague worrying cos his wife's waters are leaking:
"It's like central heating. Eventually the system will run out and will need maintenance."
Mummy's been seeing the same dental hygienist for the last 17 years. In all that time these are the only facts Mummy could tell you about her:
1. She is called Eleanor.
2. She is foreign.
Daddy went to see her once cos his usual hygienist was on holiday and came out with her entire life story and calling her Ellie. He said they were "chatting". Mummy said how is this even possible when you have your mouth wide open, the nearest she comes to having a conversation in the dentist is "aaaahh nohhh thwat nwot hwurt."
Daddy on home...
To the estate agent showing us round a house: "We've only seen a couple we like that our down our street."
Mummy (whispering): "He means up our street."
To the potential buyers of our house:
"And this is, sort of, the lounge."
"The cooker's staying, as far as we know." We do know, it's our house.
Daddy cuts the lawn with scissors. To be more specific, Daddy cuts the lawn with Mummy's kitchen scissors. She shouts and says they are for cutting open packets of peas and chopping strings of sausages,not for cutting the poopy ridden lawn. Daddy says we have the nicest lawn in the street,
Daddy: "Can I borrow those scissors?"
Mummy: "What for?"
Daddy: "I need to cut the lawn."
Mummy: "You can have this small pair then."
Daddy (sulking): "Then it will take twice as long."
Mummy (to herself): "Use a bloody lawnmower then like normal people."
Seeing a photo of a house: "That's a nice house. I wonder how much that one is...oh, it's Sandringham."
"People can be a bit precious about domestic showers."
Daddy: "A room where you can keep your towels and sheets and stuff. A small room just for that. A small laundry room."
Mummy: "It's called an airing cupboard. Jesus."
Daddy: "My dad built a narrow gauge railway in my Grandad's garden."
Mummy: "Bloody hell, how big was their garden?"
Daddy: "It wasn't that big. Anyway they sold it and there are three houses on that plot now."
Daddy: "I can't get the drawer back in. It's too heavy."
Mummy: "Take the 24 cans of lager out of it first then."
Daddy: "Can I have some help here please? Can someone hold the drawer?"
Mummy: "Can someone hold the lager?"
On the phone ordering a house sign:
"To be truthful that's going to be big enough. I'm not selling kebabs or anything."
"I don't want the house sign too big. It will look like a brothel. I'll call it Rubber Johnnys."
*draws his house sign* It says "Rubber Johnies".
"I've got this really old 300 year cottagey thingy."
"Its going into a domestic house."
Daddy: "I'm making the edges of the pond shallow so reptiles can get in."
Mummy: "Don't come crying to me when a crocodile eats all your fish."
Mummy (whispering): "He means up our street."
To the potential buyers of our house:
"And this is, sort of, the lounge."
"The cooker's staying, as far as we know." We do know, it's our house.
Daddy cuts the lawn with scissors. To be more specific, Daddy cuts the lawn with Mummy's kitchen scissors. She shouts and says they are for cutting open packets of peas and chopping strings of sausages,not for cutting the poopy ridden lawn. Daddy says we have the nicest lawn in the street,Daddy: "Can I borrow those scissors?"
Mummy: "What for?"
Daddy: "I need to cut the lawn."
Mummy: "You can have this small pair then."
Daddy (sulking): "Then it will take twice as long."
Mummy (to herself): "Use a bloody lawnmower then like normal people."
Seeing a photo of a house: "That's a nice house. I wonder how much that one is...oh, it's Sandringham."
"People can be a bit precious about domestic showers."
Daddy: "A room where you can keep your towels and sheets and stuff. A small room just for that. A small laundry room."
Mummy: "It's called an airing cupboard. Jesus."
Daddy: "My dad built a narrow gauge railway in my Grandad's garden."
Mummy: "Bloody hell, how big was their garden?"
Daddy: "It wasn't that big. Anyway they sold it and there are three houses on that plot now."
Daddy: "I can't get the drawer back in. It's too heavy."
Mummy: "Take the 24 cans of lager out of it first then."
Daddy: "Can I have some help here please? Can someone hold the drawer?"
Mummy: "Can someone hold the lager?"
On the phone ordering a house sign:
"To be truthful that's going to be big enough. I'm not selling kebabs or anything."
"I don't want the house sign too big. It will look like a brothel. I'll call it Rubber Johnnys."
*draws his house sign* It says "Rubber Johnies".
"I've got this really old 300 year cottagey thingy."
"Its going into a domestic house."
Daddy: "I'm making the edges of the pond shallow so reptiles can get in."
Mummy: "Don't come crying to me when a crocodile eats all your fish."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)